the taylor show

10 Aug

From the Saturday Jane mailbag:

“Dear Jessica,

I have an idea, why don’t you shut up about yourself for like two minutes and tell us what’s going on with Taylor?  Weren’t you like, living with that guy at some point?

Yeah, I think you were.  Tell us some stuff about that guy.


Princess Kate Middleton.”

At least that’s what I imagine would be in the Saturday Jane Mailbag if there was such a thing.

For the last year or so, Taylor has been feverishly working on a series of projects for his advisor.  As I understand it, the relationship Taylor has with his advisor is not unlike the relationship that Saruman has with that exceptionally tall Uruk-Hai.  The advisor goes to Korea, makes strange deals with unseen beings of great power, and then returns to wave his staff around and send Taylor off into the wilderness, where he has been told to murder elves and make apps for the iPad.

Recently, Taylor received a last-minute call from his mysterious master who commanded him and the other grad-orcs to put together a presentation for a few visitors from the engineering department of a large Korean university.  Taylor and Mohammed put in a few late nights and the presentation went off without a hitch.  As the Power Point ended, the pair of Koreans clapped enthusiastically and asked to buy them a cup of coffee.

On the way to the busy kiosk on the first floor of the engineering building, the Koreans talked expansively about their university, and how much they needed good teachers, smart teachers, they added, shooting Taylor and Mohammed significant looks.

“Korea is very nice,” they said.  “You would like it there.  We need good engineers that speak English.  We pay very well.”

“I appreciate it,” Mohammed said, “but I have a wife and son.  I’m pretty settled here.”

The Koreans’ hungry eyes turned to Taylor, who towered uncomfortably over them as they praised his intelligence and talked about what a wonderful opportunity their university would be for him.

“Korean women,” they said slyly, “are very beautiful.  The best women in the world.  Very lovely, and they love American men.  You would do very well in Korea.  Maybe find a nice Korean women, and marry her.  Korean women make the best wives!”

“I’ve sort of, uhm, I’ve got a girlfriend,” Taylor replied as they reached the coffee kiosk.

The cashier asked them each what they wanted.

“I’ll have an Americano,” said the first Korean.

“Me, too,” said the second Korean.

“Me, three,” said Mohammed.

“Me, four,” said Taylor.

Here are three things you should know about Taylor.

1. He is unendingly polite.

2. He does not know what an Americano is.

3. He does not like coffee.

As he relayed the story to me later (getting to the part about how Korean women make the best wives) a strange expression flickered across his face.

“Sweetie?” he asked.  “What’s an Americano?”

“It’s espresso and water.”

“Oh,” he said sadly.  “That explains it.”

He had forced himself to drink the whole thing.

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Posted by on August 10, 2011 in Uncategorized


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