Somehow I have watched the entire first season of My Little Pony. I don’t know exactly how it happened, but it did. I feel sort of like I do when I open a bag of potato chips and suddenly I’m scraping the bottom. Where did all the chips go? Who ate them? And why am I suddenly sweating Nacho Cheese powder?
While Taylor supports a lot of my nerdity, this whole My Little Pony thing is where he has drawn the line. Yes, he’ll watch Doctor Who with me. Yes, he’ll sit by me in a movie theater and listen to a verbal dissertation on why Jim Cummings is the greatest voice actor ever except for maybe Keith David. But ponies?
That is where it stops.
Unfortunately for him, he is the one who controls my pony supply.
Me: “Sweeeeetheeeaaart? Snugglebear? Cuddlehug?”
Taylor: “What do you want.”
Me: “Can I maaaaybe…if you’re not buuuuusy…have…yoooou knoooow.”
Taylor: “You want some more ponies?”
Taylor: “Pfeh. Fine. What was the last one you watched?”
Me: “Well, Applejack was taking her apple tree, Newberg, over to her cousin’s apple plantation in Fillydelphia (or was it Canterlot?) but it was stolen by a band of buffalos.”
Taylor: “Oh, god.”
Me: “But the buffalos also stole Spike, who is a baby dragon, whom I am totally shipping with Twilight Sparkle, by the way, it’s so obvious that they love each other, but Brittney doesn’t see it, which is just stupid. She ships Twilight Sparkle with Fluttershy or something, I don’t even know. It’s preposterous.”
Taylor: “OH god.”
Me: “So yeah, anyway, the buffalos didn’t MEAN to steal Spike, so Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie went to save him, only they didn’t know he didn’t need saving, and, oh, by the way, it’s so obvious that Rainbow Dash is a lesbian and that she and Pinkie Pie are meant to be together. Pinkie Pie isn’t an all-out lesbian, but I figure she’s the type that just loves PEOPLE, you know? So anyway, they go and they learn that the apple plantation is over the buffalo’s stampeding ground!”
Taylor: “Please stop.”
Me: “And this whole time, Applejack is getting the other side of the story from the ponies who settled the area, and they really can’t have their apple plantation anywhere else, so it’s kind of a thing about how they need to learn to share and communicate with each other. Pinkie Pie tries to sing them a song about it, but that just makes everybody angrier. I think it ended with a giant pie fight.”
Taylor: “I’m serious. Stop. Please stop.”
Me: “But the buffalos thought the pie was awesome, so now they have a path through the apple orchard, and they stampede there every year to help make the apples fall from the trees, and the ponies give them pie as payment.”
Me: “So that’s where I’m at.”
Taylor: “What was it called?”
Me: “Uh. ‘Over The Barrel’, I think.”
Taylor: “That’s all I wanted. Here are more ponies. Now get out.”
Me: “Are you sure you don’t want to watch one with me? It’s actually pretty good! In this next one, the Cutie Mark Crusaders are going to ask everyone how they got their cutie marks, but it turns out that Rainbow Dash’s super racing move, the Sonic Rainboom, helped all the ponies get their cutie marks at the same time!”
Taylor: “Get out of my office. I’m going to shut the door and forget everything you just told me about ponies.”
Me: “But the cutie-”