likely scenarios

21 Mar

Taylor is gone this week, which means I will have two days of unfettered anime-watching and nacho-eating, a day of boredom, and then two days of existential depression where I wonder what I’m doing with my life and decide to cut my hair, dye it blue, and start a dry-cleaning business in Arkansas.

In keeping with the schedule, last night I made popcorn and ate a can of olives while I browsed the new anime on Netflix.  I’ve always had a tenuous relationship with anime.  The bulk of it annoys me.  I have a tough time with the bossy girls who get emotional and vulnerable at just the right moment, the pretty boys who look up at the moon and say sensitive things about how they were orphaned by wizard-demons or whatever, and the children. Oh, lord.  The anime children, who are painfully cute and high-pitched and they constantly laugh at nothing except the sheer hilarity of being alive. It’s eerie, like watching dogs bark at ghosts or something.

I am extremely picky about the anime that I watch, because I tend to think it somehow makes me not a nerd.  It has to be just the right balance of humor and action and drama, and nobody’s hair can be too ridiculous.  It has to be something that I can tell my friends that I have watched, but let’s face it, everyone knows that I have watched and enjoyed Pokemon so the dignity train has sort of left the station on that one.

Anyway, last night I went through my Netflix and added a bunch of obnoxious sounding series to the Instant Queue.  I got the first one all ready to go.  Trigun.  Total classic.  It’s about some kind of guy who shoots guns and there are girls there too.  Excellent.  I turned it on, snuggled down in my blanket and started to watch.

Three minutes in, I paused it.

A moment ago I was certain I had heard some kind of knocking sound.  Was it at our door?  One of the windows?  It didn’t sound like an intentional knock.  Maybe an accident.  Like, someone who was about to break in.  Like a burglar, or a murderer.

A murderburglar.

“Calm down,” I told myself. “So your gigantic boyfriend is not here.  So what?  You have a baseball bat, don’t you?  You can boil some water on the stove, sear the face off anyone who comes jumping through your window.  They’ll barely have any time to draw their many sharp knives and carve out your organs.  Just dial the 9 and the 1 on your phone, and wait and see if a deranged mental patient shoots down your patio door before you let your imagination get the best of you.”

Somehow I wasn’t comforted.

I tried to enjoy the show I was watching.  The guy’s hair did sort of set off my Ridiculous Alarms, but he was pretty funny for the most part.  Not too bad for anime from the 90’s. For all I tried to concentrate, though, images of crazy gun-wielding killer thieves kept creeping into the back of my mind.  Every few minutes I caught myself imagining my own gruesome death.  First they would chainsaw through my front door, and then stab me in the eye.  Both eyes, so I would be blind, and then they would shoot me in the bladder and cut off all my arms and legs, because that is what crazy people do.  They would steal all my best comic books while I lay, a morosely wiggling torso on the floor, attempting to scrawl out my last will and testament with a pen up my nose.

These are things that could happen, people.

After the first episode, I turned the show off and took a bunch of books back to the bedroom.  I snuggled into bed, thought better of it, and got up to wedge the bedroom door shut with a number of socks.  I would regret this decision at three AM, when I would wake up from a murderburglar dream with the desperate urge to pee.

It might be a long week.



Posted by on March 21, 2011 in Uncategorized


7 responses to “likely scenarios

  1. Alex

    March 21, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    Hahaha…I hope the rest of the week goes better for you.

    I may have purchased the first Pokemon movie on DVD when it came out. I remember being excited that MewTwo’s voice was mixed into the surround speakers.

    Anime children are the worst except for when they are parodies of anime children.

    • Jessica

      March 21, 2011 at 4:39 pm

      Ahaha! The best part of that was the Pokemon Rap. Or was that in the second one?

  2. Jane

    March 21, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    Confession: I actually have a stash of food and water in my room, so that when I’m home alone and getting too twitchy, I can barricade myself into the room (with my Big Jammer door brace) and not come out until somebody else comes home.

    The ridiculous hair is the best part!

    • Jessica

      March 21, 2011 at 4:39 pm

      I love ridiculous hair up to a point. Google ‘Vash The Stampede’ and then you will see my limits.

  3. Vanessa

    March 22, 2011 at 9:49 am

    Note to self: reading your blog at work is a mistake. I LOST IT at “murderburgler.”

  4. Julia B

    March 22, 2011 at 11:13 pm

    Duuuude, I don’t know what it is about being home alone at night. I wrestle seals, for god’s sake, I can take a murderburglar (my new favorite word!). It was so bad at my house in Australia, the foxes would be hunting rabbits and I would be peacefully reading until there were rabbit death screams right outside my window. Augh. Some nights I slept with a bowie knife under my pillow, then woke up feeling like a paranoid idiot.

  5. cora

    March 28, 2011 at 12:02 am

    I doc’t like anime, but I love Vash-san, Milly and the gang!
    It’s like sci-fi Lucky Luke.


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