on leg hair

03 Dec

I am currently in the phase of winter where I walk around outside mentally cussing myself for ever complaining that it was too hot.  What is heat?  Some elusive brand of wind or rain that I haven’t yet experienced?  Is it related at all to horrible quivering cold? I really can’t remember at this point.  I just have some vague summer recollection of sprawling on the floor in my underwear, sweating and loudly declaring that I was about to die.

I can’t imagine from what.

I’m looking forward to this summer for several reasons.  The sky will be blue again, for one.  We’ll be living in a nicer place.  My folks will be having a seething throng of Bagleys at their house for an all-inclusive reunion that promises to clean out liquor stores for miles around.

I kid, I kid.  Half of them are Mormon.  The rest have to work hard to pick up the slack.

Really, though, the big shining star of the upcoming summer is Laura’s wedding, which I am increasingly excited for.  I mean, Laura is great.  Her beau Kevin is great.  When they become a single family, that will make them some kind of ubergreat, a nexus of awesome.  A supernova of fabulousity.  An avalanche of tubularity.  They will become a black hole of radicalness, and those lucky few that get to stand around them will be consumed in that fierce cosmic whirlpool of coolness.

Which all sounds pretty neat to me.

I am pleased as punch to be a part of the wedding party, and this weekend Laura, Kevin’s sister and I are going to the bridal boutique to pick out bridesmaid’s dresses.  Laura graciously is letting us pick the styles that work best for us, so long as they are all knee length and the same color.  This is a brilliant idea that I plan on stealing in the future, because there is really nothing that puts a damper on a day quite like looking like a mutated potato monster stuffed into a purple prison of silk and tulle.  Shopping for something that will work for me is going to be fun, I think.

The only part of it that I am not looking forward to is shaving my legs.

Here is the deal, you guys.  My genes have blessed me with inhumanely hairy legs.  And I know that lots of women say, “Oh, my gosh, my legs are the hairiest!” but they know nothing of hairy legs.


I don’t have that blonde peach fuzz that some women get, or even that silky brown down that other women exhibit.  No, three days after I shave, my legs become tree trunks sprouting stiff black pine needles that only get soft when I’ve left them alone for a month, at least.

I fought with leg hair for years and years, shaving every other day, every day, once a week, with fancy razors and cheap razors, with soap and expensive creams and conditioners and lotions, and the result is always the same.  A single afternoon of smooth white legs (albeit with little black speckles all over) then two days of angry red bumps and then BAM, leg hair long enough to braid.

At this point I’ve given up.  Taylor doesn’t care.  I don’t care.  I shave now only for important life events, like bar mitzvahs or pedicures.  I avoid wearing shorts or skirts without tights.  It’s a simple, pleasant way of life.  I’m perfectly comfortable, and when I do shave, the smooth-leg feeling is even nicer, for the forty five seconds that it lasts.

Ladies, are you frequent leg-shavers?


Posted by on December 3, 2010 in Uncategorized


15 responses to “on leg hair

  1. Katie

    December 3, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    At least you get three days. If I shave in the morning, I have stubble by evening. And it’s dark and stabby. I’m scared to calculate how much of my life as been spent shaving my legs (and they’re long, too – even more work!) because I’m sure it’s equivalent to the lifespan of a gerbil.

  2. rubybastille

    December 3, 2010 at 3:07 pm

    Wear tights on Sunday! That’s what I’ve been doing ALL WEEK. I won’t tell anyone. 😉

  3. Adri

    December 3, 2010 at 3:59 pm

    I picked up a tip from a friend years ago. Shave one leg each day and alternate.

  4. Tess

    December 4, 2010 at 1:24 am

    I get a 5 o’clock shadow for sure but the worst is having dark hair and pale skin so even when you shave the follicles show and you have tiny dots.

  5. k8peterson

    December 4, 2010 at 3:30 am

    At least it’s not facial hair. I have seen some truly spectacular Greek she-beards. And the WHISKERS on some of the elderly women here! They’re like chin-antennae!!

  6. Marguerite

    December 4, 2010 at 9:09 am

    oh yes, i know this. Pale Irish skin plus SCARY thick black gorilla hair times speed growth = unamused face. I try and epilate once a week, thinking that the pain will somehow encourage beauty-karma to scare away new hairs. This doesn’t work. salt&pepper legs.

    i hear what you’re saying with the thights thing, but as someone who had to wear tights allllll year round (black opaque tights as part of school uniform. even in summer), there is nothing worse than thinking you’re hairy legs will go unnoticed, them someone pointing out the light bouncing off the hairs which stick out 🙂

  7. Jen

    December 4, 2010 at 7:31 pm

    I was “blessed” with the superfine blonde hair.. the upside is that I can wear sheer nylons and no one knows that I haven’t shaved my legs in months. (Except John. Poor John…) The downside? I can’t use a hair removal option that is ideal for you.


    Wait… wait… hear me out!

    If you’ve only done the at home waxing thing the experience is horrific, painful, and potentially scarring (emotionally and physically). But the pros, dude. The pros. I started bikini waxing in college and there is a HUGE difference between the pain associated with waxing yourself (traumatic) and paying someone to do it (twinge-worthy but not terrible). The downside to the fine, blonde hair on my legs is that unlike my bikini line, the hairs are TOO FINE TO WAX. Which I only learned after shelling out the cash to HAVE my legs waxed so I could go a month or so with smooth legs. Yeah. Fail.

    But for YOU – this could be a great alternative. It pulls the hair out by the root so the hair that grows back is softer (because it doesn’t have that sharp, cut end), finer, and sparser (because as follicles get damages, some of the hairs don’t grow back – think of the women who over-pluck their eyebrows). Think about it. I’m actually a little jealous you have that option open to you. I’m stuck with the razor (because Nair gives me an itchy allergic reaction).

    • Jen

      December 4, 2010 at 7:32 pm

      *damaged, not damages

  8. sarah

    December 4, 2010 at 8:52 pm

    i have the same thing, jess. a few things i’ve learned:
    two ways to prevent red bumps. first, you can put antiperspirant where you get bumps. or, you can put rubbing alcohol there. do it right after shaving, and also after the next couple showers you take. it really helps.
    also, i will let you know how my groupon laser adventure goes. i bought like $3k of lased hair removal for a total of about $200 through groupon. white skin and dark hair is the ideal combination for lasers, because they heat up melanin. lots in the hair and none in the skin means effective and painless.

  9. SarahBarista

    December 5, 2010 at 5:25 pm

    my sister and I participate in what we refer to as “Winter Legs.” basically, we only shave regularly in shorts seasons, and at random times as needed. sometimes, when we get lazy and things are uneventful, i have to admit to participating in Winter Legs during the spring/summer.

    she does get a little jealous of me because i’ve inherited my dad’s genes for leg hair: i don’t have much. and what i do have tends to stay pretty blonde. (weird part: i don’t have blond hair on my head). my sister has unfortunately inherited our mom’s leg hair genes. if she wants super smooth, hair-free legs, she’d have to shave that darkness off every day.

    good luck with the knee-length dress! and waxing does seem to be the best/easiest option for ya, so good luck with that as well!

  10. Stephanie

    December 5, 2010 at 5:37 pm

    I have a similar problem, not just on my legs but my arms as well. I got called a gorilla one too many times in middle school and have been shaving them ever since.

    I’d like to take the time here to inform you, Jessica, that I have temporarily borrowed a phrase I read on this site as my tumblr url. Here is the link for your enjoyment:

    If you disapprove please say so and I will change it immediately. But I do love me some batman, and this blog, so I have to admit I hope you approve.

    • Jessica

      December 6, 2010 at 9:45 am

      Ahaha! Oh gosh, Stephanie, take the phrase, it’s yours. I am very tickled that somebody liked it enough to name a Tumblr after it!

      • Stephanie

        December 9, 2010 at 11:12 pm

        Yesssssss XD That makes me so happy. I am unlearned in the manners of internet plagiarism so I wanted to be absolutely sure. Thank you very much.

  11. becca

    December 5, 2010 at 7:48 pm

    wax wax wax. that is all i’ve got to say. i’ve been going to a professional who waxes my legs, since i was 14, and the hair doesn’t grow as fast or as coarse. hurts like a shit load, but it’s worth it. and you really do grow tolerance for pain.

  12. Lydia

    April 7, 2011 at 12:08 am

    I think it’s great that you only shave for special occasions. That’s what I do (so I’ll be shaving in a couple days for a wedding). It makes the day feel good and the smooth legs is special.

    I don’t really see the point. We’ve evolved to have hair where we do. So why don’t we keep it that way.


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