a little on the low side

17 Nov

Welp, it’s that time again.

It’s only 4:45 and it’s already dark as shit outside.  The passing cars aren’t so much cars as just passing lights that kick up vales of water in their wake, and the people on the sidewalks have their hoods scrunched up over their faces.  When you go outside, you have to duck your head so that your nose doesn’t freeze off, and no matter where you walk, your pant hems will always be soaked by the time you come inside.

For the past few years I’ve staved off my mild seasonal depression and come through the winter relatively unscathed, but this week has hit me like a ton of bricks.  Maybe it’s the lingering effects of that stupid car crash.  The therapist that I am supposed to go to (to assure that the wreck didn’t make me crazy) did a many-question assessment which says that I have some post traumatic stress.  This seems insanely indulgent to me, to call my recent bout of funk post traumatic stress, but I ain’t got no degrees in psycholology or nuthin’, so I’m inclined to believe the good doctor.  Post traumatic stress.  Man.  That could kill a conversation.

Anyway, as I said, this week has just murdered me completely, and not for any particular reason.  I’m tired all the time.  I’m anxious and kinda wigged out.  I’m in this phase where I want to do nothing and everything all at the same time.  I feel like a cat that doesn’t know whether she wants to be in or out.  Do I want to draw?  Yes, I think I want to draw…I’ll just get my paper and pencil and…nope.  I don’t want to draw.  Do I want to do the dishes?  Yes, I need to do the dishes.  They’re stacking up and I’m shirking.  I’ll just get the water going and put my tunes on and…nope.  I don’t want to do the dishes.  Do I want to play Pokemon?  Do I want to make the bed?  Do I want to write?  Play Batman?  Take a shower?  Watch cartoons?  Nope.  Nope.  Nope nope nope noooo.  I haven’t even really been answering e-mails for the last couple of days, and you guys, e-mails are like, my favorite thing because I am eighty five years old and the acknowledgment that somebody knows I’m alive just drives me batty with glee.  I’ve got about six e-mails in my inbox that I keep meaning to answer.  They’re all pithy little things that I could answer with a single word, if I wanted, but I just can’t get up to it, so they’re sitting there gathering e-dust while the poor senders wait with bated breath for my e-reply.

All I want to do is bundle up on the couch and hibernate.


The therapist promises me that this’ll get ironed out with treatment.

I think that Thanksgiving will cheer me up thoroughly, even if it’s just a little Thanksgiving.  I grew up with holidays full of people, people piled into the house and spilling out the windows, all laughing and arguing and telling stories over each other.  This year there will be five of us, but there will also be a turkey and Dad’s potpourri (throw water, oranges, nutmeg, cinnamon, whatever else you like in a pot, turn heat onto lowest setting).  Oh, and boxed stuffing, which is basically God’s own special contribution to non-perishable foods.  I could eat boxed stuffing for days on end.  Screw the yams.  STUFFING.  IT’S ALL THAT MATTERS.

What are you all doing for Thanksgiving?  Family?  Friends?  Tolerated acquaintances?


Posted by on November 17, 2010 in Uncategorized


8 responses to “a little on the low side

  1. Alexandra

    November 17, 2010 at 6:36 pm

    Hang in there girl. I am an expert in Post Traumatic Stress. I’m glad you are dealing with it under the guidance of a trained professional. It sucks bat shit but it is a small part of life (for those who’ve gone through trauma.)

    Basically, ya gotta feel the emotions, get through them, and eventually realize what they are and why they exist. Then they go away. If they return it is of a much less intensity. And soon they go away completely.

    One rule of thumb: be nice to yourself through this process. seriously. be very, very, very kind, patient, loving and forgiving toward yourself. you will be fine.

    and the great part: you come out the other end so much wiser than you were before.

    You lived through the crash – you will soon be wiser and happier – it’s a win/win 😉


    • Jessica

      November 18, 2010 at 11:16 am

      The ‘being kind to yourself’ thing is really quite excellent advice. It’s what I am having the most problem with currently. My friends and family keep telling me that it is OKAY that I am feeling irritable and lethargic and bizarre, but it feels so dramatic of me. It was a comparatively little wreck. I am fine. No broken bones or cuts. So why can’t I get back to normal?

      I am obviously just looking for attention. At least, that’s the way my brain is rationalizing my behavior.

      It’s hard to get myself into the mode of thinking that I am legitimately a little messed up for now, and that I don’t have to berate myself for it. ‘Be kind to yourself’ is an eerily apt piece of wisdom for my current state of mind. Thanks for that. 🙂

      • Alexandra

        November 18, 2010 at 12:23 pm

        I know what you mean. Before my incident I saw myself as a real bad-ass. Nothing could hurt me. So when sh*t happened and I reacted in a way that was so unlike my normal character, I was freaked out. But girl, that’s NORMAL. Give into it 😉

        Big wreck or little wreck, the human brain processes it as “I am being overtaken by this truck. My whole being is being threatened by this huge metal death-trap. It is quite feasible that I could be crushed to death in a matter of nanoseconds.” It really doesn’t matter what it looked like from the outside or “in comparison” to other wrecks. The brain reacts to death threats, and survivors are traumatized.

        I’ll stop now. I’m just trying to help but now I feel like I’m forcing this on you, and you kind of need to come to realizations on your own terms.

        I wish you the best. Stuff like this is never fun or pretty, but there is that other side – that ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ thing. You cannot see it yet but we know it’s there.

  2. Alexandra

    November 17, 2010 at 6:54 pm

    Just a tip: when I have bad Seasonal Depression I use Vitamin B Complex and St John’s Wort with 5HTP [see your local drugstore] They work like a charm, it’s all natural, and no side effects.

  3. rubybastille

    November 17, 2010 at 7:53 pm

    Bleck. The weather doesn’t help anything. The main window at work is tinted, so it’s dark ALL THE TIME no matter what the weather is. Apparently we will be S.A.D buddies this year. (Don’t they have natural-daylight lamps for that? It might be worth looking into.)

    It does make me giggle that five people is a small Thanksgiving for you – our largest is usually seven or eight, and for the past few years it’s been just three. But it’s usually a nice low-key holiday involving lots of food, TV, and more food.

    • Jessica

      November 18, 2010 at 11:13 am

      That is absolutely bonkers to me. The smallest Thanksgiving I ever had was four people, and that was Taylor, me, Kristi, and her mom in Ithaca my freshman year of college.

      Eight to twelve is usually about standard for us. It’s not a stretch, considering my parents had four kids and we all have a habit of ‘picking up strays’ to bring home, my parents included. 🙂

  4. Malia

    November 18, 2010 at 1:13 am

    I too find myself lately wanting to do everything and nothing, I think it has to do in part with the weather…

    For Thanksgiving, my family gets together with my dad’s side of the family and two other families. This tradition has been going on for years now, decades actually, about 40+ years. I’m the oldest of the 3rd generation. There’s usually about 40 or so people and we rotate hosting duties between families each year. It seems a bit crazy, but I absolutely love it and look forward to it every year.

    • Jessica

      November 18, 2010 at 11:11 am

      That sounds fantastic! We used to do a similar system with my grandparents, but as the ‘little cousins’ all grew up (I am one of the last of these little cousins) everyone went their separate ways.

      Oh, and my grandparents died. :-/

      The craziness just assures some excitement and fun. I hope you enjoy yourself!

      And boo to the everything/nothing syndrome. It’s such a pain to those of us who actually want to get something done. Means we just can’t get summoned to DO IT.


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