secret talents

29 Oct

When you ask someone what they are good at, chances are they will tell you something broad.  Something understandable.  Something that will not make you think they are a crazy person.  For instance, they will say ‘I knit very well!” instead of something like ‘I have knitted recreations of the costumes from the last ten films by Nicole Kidman and fitted them to my cats, whom I then photograph in small sets of those films that I have constructed in my garage’.

The whole Nicole Kitman thing is something that should maybe be saved for a game of Truth or Dare, or at least be revealed during the bonding confines of a six hour road trip.

The deal is that everyone has a set of strange secret talents that never really come up in conversation, especially via the internet where people have the opportunity to like, think before they speak and make themselves seem eloquent.  Or whatever.  Still, though, we’re proud of our weird little skills, and we should be!

Here are five of the things that I am best at.

1.  I have a superhuman ear for voice actors. One thing that being a cartoon junkie has afforded me is the realization that there are maybe like twenty voice actors who regularly cycle through the networks.  Through a steady diet of Cartoon Network and Nickelodeon, I have become somewhat of a voice acting connoisseur, which really just means that as soon as any animated character on T.V. opens their mouth, I can sit back and say smugly, “Do you know who that is?  That is Ron Paulson.  He also voiced Yakko in the Animaniacs and the dad from Danny Phantom.  NOW YOU ARE ENRICHED.  THANK ME.”

2.  I have great feet. Once Taylor asked me what I thought my best physical quality was.  I told him, “My feet!” and he gave me a look like I had just told him that Archer was a cooler Star Trek captain than Kirk and Picard…combined.  That analogy would be way more apt if Taylor cared half as much about Star Trek as I do, but the simile stands.  “You can’t say your feet,” he said incredulously.  “That’s a cop-out!”  The thing is that I am not trying to say that I have an inferior body.  Just that I have exceptional feet.  They are dainty but not bony.  They don’t stink.  The toes aren’t stubby nor claw-like, and my toenails look natural and non-gross.  I even have an accessory nail of the fifth toe, which sounds weird and creepy but it actually isn’t noticeable at all.  In fact, I even think it’s kind of interesting and cool.  I used to be sad about the peach fuzz on the tops of my feet, but I have come to terms with my hobbithood.  Now it just seems adorable.  Yep!  Feet!  Not really a talent, but worth mentioning.

3.  I can do an excellent impression of a goat.  Also, a duck and a cat. Ask anybody.  It’s true.  Although the cat sounds sick and upset about something.

4.  I am a human black-light detector. Due to an unexpected freak side effect of my bionic eye, I have a supernatural talent for spotting UV light.  By that I mean when I go out in the sun everything is very very bright in my left eye and I squint a lot.  BUT!  It also means that if there is even a little hint of a black light anywhere in the area, I can see it, plain as anything.  Did you know that there are black lights in most fast food kitchens?  It’s true!  In the event of an evil villain who uses black lights to destroy the world, I will be on the front lines, defending you all.  Unless that black light is too bright.  In which case I’ll need to put on my eye patch so that I’m not blinded.

5.  I am nauseatingly good at Sonic The Hedgehog. Like, beat-the-game-whenever-I-want good.  Like, what-do-you-mean-I-have-to-play-Tails-do-you-know-who-I-AM good.  I have been playing this game since I was six, when I did whatever my brother did in a desperate bid to make him think I was cool.  For some reason, I never really grew out of it.  In fact, I could go for some Sonic right now.


(He says that in the show.  That is his way of saying ‘It is time for me to go somewhere else, very quickly, in the manner of my species”.  I said it seriously for about three days when I was a kid, and then I realized that it made absolutely no sense, and so I stopped.  Except for just now.  That was a fluke.)

What are YOUR awesome secret talents, Internet Friends?  Points for talents that are not really talents, just something you are irrationally proud of.


Posted by on October 29, 2010 in Uncategorized


20 responses to “secret talents

  1. kateohkatie

    October 29, 2010 at 5:50 am

    I can imitate cats’ meows, to an unnatural degree. And not just a generic “cat meow” sound. Actual meows. Like, my orange cat does this super high-pitched “meh!” meow. And my parents cat does this one that’s more like “nr-OW!”. (It’s really hard to type what those sound like. Trust me though.) And I can do both of those. And so I can have whole conversations with the cats in their language, which they seem to appreciate even though I have no clue what I’m saying to them.

    • Jessica

      October 29, 2010 at 1:59 pm

      It’s like going to Japan and trying to speak Japanese people. They’re like, “I have no idea what you’re saying, but D’awww!”

  2. Vanessa

    October 29, 2010 at 7:17 am

    1 and 5 are probably two of my boyfriend’s superhuman qualities as well. His talent for knowing voice actors has rubbed off on me a little. It’s really nerdy but fun to be like “OMG WHO IS THAT GUY LET’S GOOGLE IT NOW.” It’s neat.

    And as for number 5, you could also say he’s really good at singing/knowing all the lyrics to just about every song in every Sonic game ever. We have stupid singalongs. I really like the Team Chaotix song lately. Under appreciated, if you ask me.

    • Jessica

      October 29, 2010 at 2:01 pm

      Haha! YESSSS. Sonic music is HILARIOUS! Especially the stuff in Sonic Adventure. My brother had that CD and the music would regularly get stuck in my head. Especially that stupid stupid Tails song.


  3. Katie

    October 29, 2010 at 7:38 am

    I have a phonographic memory. I hear music once, and I know it for life.

    I’m also alarmingly good at voices. We’ll be watching a commercial and my boyfriend will go, “okay, who’s doing the voice over there?” and I’ll respond “Keifer Sutherland/Patrick Dempsy/Lady who’s in all the Glade commercials lately/etc.” I’ve never been wrong yet. Someone help me figure out how to turn this into a bar bet.

    I can say the alphabet forwards or backwards from any letter.

    I can touch my nose with my tongue.

    • Jessica

      October 29, 2010 at 1:57 pm

      A phonographic memory? Totally awesome! I’ve heard of photographic memories but this is way better. You’d be sure to remember everything that your boss tells you to do…

  4. PlantingOaks

    October 29, 2010 at 9:18 am

    I have awesome feet too! I always feel like I’m being lame in a ‘why don’t women love their bodies’ way when I say how much I like them, but they’re really great!

    My other talents are kinda boring. I can whip up a convincing sounding B.S. five paragraph essay about a random topic in about an hour, but that isn’t really impressive to anyone but high school english teachers. I’m also very good at discrete math, but again, boring.

    I really enjoy finding symbolism in literature (Watchmen: OMG! He doesn’t even heat the beans! I about drove of the road when I put that together. I think that makes me lame).

    Oh, here’s a good one. I have an excellent sense of meter in poetry and song. I was knocking out pretty awesome sounding poetry at an age when most kids were still figuring out what a rhyme was (from a technical standpoint – my subject matter tended to be pretty stupid). As an adult life skill, it means I’m pretty good at coming up with alternative lyrics to songs that still match the original syllables.

    Also, I can make a clicking sound like a killer whale with my tongue. Nobody appreciates that one either.

  5. PlantingOaks

    October 29, 2010 at 9:32 am

    OK, I looked up your bionic eye, and I thought of another one:

    I have no dominant eye. I recognize the double images from out of focus things, and can choose to resolve whichever one I want, or switch between them, and consciously change my focal point at will without having an object there to look at. Oddly, this does not give me headaches, or make things look confusing, despite the fact that it sounds like it would. It does really confuse the guy at the gun range trying to explain how to use the sights on a rifle ‘the left one or the right one?’. It also makes me killer good at those magic eye puzzles that were cool about 15 years ago.

    I cheated on my school eye test because I thought they would take away the children who didn’t pass and not let them come back to class, so I peaked around the thing when they put it in front of my good eye. This is a weird reaction because I didn’t really like school to begin with, so I don’t know why I was afraid of having to leave.

    • Jessica

      October 29, 2010 at 1:56 pm

      That’s so sad! The idea that they would take you away if you had bad eyes…although the magic eye thing is amazing.

      I have NEVER been able to do the magic eye things! I am like that guy in Mall Rats.

  6. sarah

    October 29, 2010 at 1:32 pm

    omg, did you say “nicole kiTman” on purpose?

    • Jessica

      October 29, 2010 at 1:55 pm

      I one hundred percent did. I am really tickled that someone caught that. 😀

      • Jen

        November 2, 2010 at 9:48 pm

        I was wondering if that was a typo 🙂

  7. sarah

    October 29, 2010 at 2:17 pm

    i have pretty good control over my eyes independently. I can cross one at a time, move one up and down while it is crossed, etc.

    i have really bendy shoulders, i can pull my upper arm almost parallel to my shoulders behind my head, so my elbow is poking out by my ear on the opposite side.

    don’t know if it’s a talent or a curse, but i can talk your ear off about any topic, at any time.

    i am wickedly good at close-reading text analysis, whether it’s for my own writing, editing someone else’s work, or interpreting things like emails or online profiles.

  8. Jerry

    October 30, 2010 at 3:10 pm

    I have a knack for interpreting corporate logos. I was the first in my friends and family to see the FedEx arrow, and I also recognized that the logo of the now-defunct company Handspring was a stylized person doing a cartwheel. If there’s ever a da Vinci Code-esque caper involving corporate logos, I will be so ready. If not, it’s… an extremely useless “skill”.

  9. rubybastille

    November 1, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    Dude, I think I have that toenail thing too! The outer edges of my pinkie toes are weirdly thick, and I always thought it was just a reaction to shoe friction, like a toenail-callus or something. BUT NO IT’S GENETIC.

  10. Brittney

    November 1, 2010 at 9:16 pm

    Since we’re on feet… I can move my pinkie toe independently from the rest of my foot and make it ‘talk!’ Also I have a midget toe. MIDGET TOE.

    Hmmm. beyond the ability to creep anyone out at random points of time, AND ruining everything forever, I can’t think of any secret talents…

  11. Tegan

    November 2, 2010 at 6:50 pm

    I can bend my tongue into a clover. (Like rolling it, then pushing it back.)
    My eyes zigzag hypnotically and freakily fast when I want them to.
    I am very good at writing thank you notes (when I remember to).
    From years of practice, I do the “wave hand over sofa cushion or refrigerator door” Price Is Right model thing very, very well.
    I can almost always guess what someone is dressed as for Halloween. (I actually claimed this talent out loud at a Halloween party this year– got some funny looks, but I was still pleased with myself.)
    My other talent, demonstrated at a family wedding last weekend, is the incorporation of Richard Simmons workout routines into social dancing.

    Have you read the book “Savvy” by Ingrid Law? It’s a kids’ novel about a family with special talents/ powers (savvies) they get at age 13. I still like pondering what my savvy might be.

    • Jessica

      November 2, 2010 at 9:37 pm

      Bahaha! Those are AMAZING talents! I particularly like the Halloween one. That can earn you a lot of friends, whereas the Richard Simmons one could earn you a lot of enemies. 😉

      Just kidding. I would totally be friends with ANYONE who did a Richard Simmons workout at a social function. Best friends.


      • Tegan

        November 3, 2010 at 6:01 pm

        Anytime you’re back in Seattle, give a holler! I’ll bust out the “Celebrate Good Times” welcome wave for you.

  12. Tegan

    November 2, 2010 at 7:55 pm

    My husband reminded me that I can also decipher any handwriting. He said, “Sometimes I don’t think I even really wrote something, I just started and then scribbled, and you can tell what I meant.”


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