When you ask someone what they are good at, chances are they will tell you something broad. Something understandable. Something that will not make you think they are a crazy person. For instance, they will say ‘I knit very well!” instead of something like ‘I have knitted recreations of the costumes from the last ten films by Nicole Kidman and fitted them to my cats, whom I then photograph in small sets of those films that I have constructed in my garage’.
The whole Nicole Kitman thing is something that should maybe be saved for a game of Truth or Dare, or at least be revealed during the bonding confines of a six hour road trip.
The deal is that everyone has a set of strange secret talents that never really come up in conversation, especially via the internet where people have the opportunity to like, think before they speak and make themselves seem eloquent. Or whatever. Still, though, we’re proud of our weird little skills, and we should be!
Here are five of the things that I am best at.
1. I have a superhuman ear for voice actors. One thing that being a cartoon junkie has afforded me is the realization that there are maybe like twenty voice actors who regularly cycle through the networks. Through a steady diet of Cartoon Network and Nickelodeon, I have become somewhat of a voice acting connoisseur, which really just means that as soon as any animated character on T.V. opens their mouth, I can sit back and say smugly, “Do you know who that is? That is Ron Paulson. He also voiced Yakko in the Animaniacs and the dad from Danny Phantom. NOW YOU ARE ENRICHED. THANK ME.”
2. I have great feet. Once Taylor asked me what I thought my best physical quality was. I told him, “My feet!” and he gave me a look like I had just told him that Archer was a cooler Star Trek captain than Kirk and Picard…combined. That analogy would be way more apt if Taylor cared half as much about Star Trek as I do, but the simile stands. “You can’t say your feet,” he said incredulously. “That’s a cop-out!” The thing is that I am not trying to say that I have an inferior body. Just that I have exceptional feet. They are dainty but not bony. They don’t stink. The toes aren’t stubby nor claw-like, and my toenails look natural and non-gross. I even have an accessory nail of the fifth toe, which sounds weird and creepy but it actually isn’t noticeable at all. In fact, I even think it’s kind of interesting and cool. I used to be sad about the peach fuzz on the tops of my feet, but I have come to terms with my hobbithood. Now it just seems adorable. Yep! Feet! Not really a talent, but worth mentioning.
3. I can do an excellent impression of a goat. Also, a duck and a cat. Ask anybody. It’s true. Although the cat sounds sick and upset about something.
4. I am a human black-light detector. Due to an unexpected freak side effect of my bionic eye, I have a supernatural talent for spotting UV light. By that I mean when I go out in the sun everything is very very bright in my left eye and I squint a lot. BUT! It also means that if there is even a little hint of a black light anywhere in the area, I can see it, plain as anything. Did you know that there are black lights in most fast food kitchens? It’s true! In the event of an evil villain who uses black lights to destroy the world, I will be on the front lines, defending you all. Unless that black light is too bright. In which case I’ll need to put on my eye patch so that I’m not blinded.
5. I am nauseatingly good at Sonic The Hedgehog. Like, beat-the-game-whenever-I-want good. Like, what-do-you-mean-I-have-to-play-Tails-do-you-know-who-I-AM good. I have been playing this game since I was six, when I did whatever my brother did in a desperate bid to make him think I was cool. For some reason, I never really grew out of it. In fact, I could go for some Sonic right now.
(He says that in the show. That is his way of saying ‘It is time for me to go somewhere else, very quickly, in the manner of my species”. I said it seriously for about three days when I was a kid, and then I realized that it made absolutely no sense, and so I stopped. Except for just now. That was a fluke.)
What are YOUR awesome secret talents, Internet Friends? Points for talents that are not really talents, just something you are irrationally proud of.