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the nerdy one

26 Apr

Taylor has the honor of being the weirdest sleeper that I have ever met.

He wakes up at six or six thirty every morning.  Possibly as a side effect he falls asleep at nine every night, and this is not just a dozey ‘oops, maybe it’s time to go to bed’ kind of sleep.  This is some crazy medieval style ‘can only be woken by love’s first kiss’ kind of sleep.

And the things that boy does in his sleep, I tell you what.  Taylor is normally a very good-natured, sweet guy.  He does the dishes and he tells me I’m pretty and he doesn’t complain when I walk around after a shower and drip my wet hair all over the place.  When he is asleep, though?  His temper does a complete 180.

The other night I went to bed early-ish and lay awake messing around on the  computer while Taylor snored away next to me.  At about 11:30 I decided it was about time to click the light off.  I shut the computer, set it on the floor next to the bed, and shifted.  Taylor startled, and turned over, looking at me out of wide, red-rimmed eyes.

“No,” he said.  “I want the nerd one.”

“What?” I asked him.  He frowned.

“I said I want the snuf gluf uffle bop.”

“Okay,” I said slowly.  “You are talking in your sleep, and I have no idea what you’re saying.”

Taylor sighed.  It was the sort of exaggerated sigh that told me clearly that Taylor felt I was being very stupid.

“I want the nerdy one,” he repeated clearly.  He glared at me, waiting for me to take some kind of action.

“Right,” I said.  “Okay.  I understand that, but you are talking in your sleep, and you-”

“NO, I’M NOT,” Taylor groaned.  “AUUGH.  YOU ARE SO FRUSTRATING.”

“Calm down.  Remember the other day, when we joked about how grouchy you get when you’re asleep, but you think you’re awake?”

“Yes.”

“That’s what you’re doing.”

“THAT IS NOT WHAT I AM DOING.  WHY CAN’T YOU UNDERSTAND ME.”

In a gesture of spite, Taylor violently turned onto his back, seizing as many blankets as he could carry with him.  I tried not to laugh at him.  When Taylor is being Very Serious, it is generally best not to laugh.

“You don’t listen to me,” Taylor said morosely, grimacing at the ceiling.  I sighed.

“Okay.  Tell me again, very slowly and clearly, what you want.”  I cuddled up next to him, my body nearly exploding from all the suppressed giggling.

“Fine,” Taylor said.  He turned his head towards me, and overenunciated every word with a sense of cruel derision.  “A.  Pre.  Drawn.  Horse.”

“A pre-drawn horse?”

“YES.  GOD.”

“You want a pre-drawn horse?”

“You are so frustrating right now.  You don’t even know.”

“What’s a pre-drawn horse?”

Taylor made a noise as though I had just asked him what the moon was, or how to do an Interweb Search on The Google.

“I’m going to tell you about this tomorrow, and you’re going to laugh about it,” I said.

“Whatever.  I’ll remember it.  I’m NOT asleep.  You always think I’m asleep, but I’m NOT.”  Taylor squeezed his eyes shut, signaling how utterly done he was trying to deal with me.

I shut off the light, and lay there, shaking every few minutes with silent laughter.  Within seconds, Taylor’s breathing was slow and even.  The next morning he cheerfully woke me up, with zero memory of the event.

He still has no clue what a ‘pre-drawn horse’ is.

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18 Comments

Posted by on April 26, 2010 in Life

 

Tags: , ,

18 responses to “the nerdy one

  1. Teacher Clothes

    April 26, 2010 at 5:45 pm

    Funniest post ever. My fiance does this all the time, too, but usually he wakes me up from a very sound sleep to do it.

     
  2. outdoorexplorer

    April 26, 2010 at 6:44 pm

    Haha, that is fantastic. I’ve never really encountered someone who talks in their sleep, let alone who can be so easily understood. Great story.

     
  3. Anonymous

    April 26, 2010 at 9:00 pm

    This post reminds me of one of my other favorite blogs. http://sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com/

     
  4. supesukauboi

    April 27, 2010 at 12:55 am

    Still asleep with his eyes wide open? How bizarre. I’ve never heard of such a thing. I always thought people who did things like walk and talk in their sleep kept their eyes closed.

    Is this symptomatic of something? It sounds like a subconscious release valve for repressed aggression or some such. Although, I suppose there are worse times to be irritable than when you’re conked out.

     
  5. Vanessa

    April 27, 2010 at 6:25 am

    This is really funny! I used to have a roommate who talked in her sleep, but I never tried seeing if I could have a conversation with her. She would just say random words. One night she was going on about cider and gators (cider-thieving alligators, perhaps?)

     
  6. Sally

    April 27, 2010 at 7:48 am

    Lady, you need to keep a recording device on hand. This shit is GOLD.

    Also, I’ve always wanted a pre-drawn horse. Those horses that are drawn on the fly? Inferior.

     
  7. Jen

    April 27, 2010 at 9:15 am

    AWESOME 🙂 Sheer awesomeness

     
  8. Kelly

    April 27, 2010 at 10:13 am

    bahahahahaha that’s hysterical. My guy doesn’t usually remember things when he’s in that slightly-awake state, and he does get grumpy (pretty often I’ll say “goodnight, I love you!” and he’ll say “OK.”) but nothing as hilariously awesome as this.

    My uncle yells in German in his sleep, and once a roommate told me that I was sleep talking in Latin, but seeing as she didn’t know Latin I find that suspect…

     
  9. Erica

    April 27, 2010 at 11:40 am

    This sounds exactly like my husband, grumpily saying things, insisting he is AWAKE and acting like I’m stupid and/or uncooperative when I can’t follow the conversation. When he’s really stressed, he also storms around the apartment or hovers over me insisting I have to get out of bed due to some dream induced reason!

     
  10. Anonymous

    April 27, 2010 at 11:57 am

    I’m waiting for the day when I’m awake enough to have a solid conversation with Caleb when he’s asleep. The potential is there, but I’m always too sleepy and stupid to take full advantage of the situation. This is the closest we’ve come:

    Caleb: (mumbling) When are you going to see Miley Cyrus?
    Me: (barely woken up) …What?
    Caleb: (clearly impatient at having to repeat himself) When are you going to see Miley Cyrus?
    Me: ……..

    It was such a struggle for my brain to process this question I just went back to sleep instead, vaguely disappointed in my inability to form a response. I’ll never know why sleep-Caleb thought I had any interest in Miley Cyrus.

     
    • Alice

      April 27, 2010 at 11:58 am

      oops, forgot to identify myself

       
  11. Lovers, Saints & Sailors

    April 29, 2010 at 5:34 pm

    Hahahahaha I am silently chuckling at my desk right now. The husband doesn’t talk in his sleep, unless snoring is some foreign language that I am yet to grasp…

     
  12. aquirkydelight

    April 29, 2010 at 8:36 pm

    That’s hilarious. But it’s also creepy — why is the angry Taylor only coming out in the night? Is he a Gemini? Did he eat his evil twin in the womb and absorb the second personality which now comes out only in dreamworld? Something is up here.

     
    • Jessica

      April 29, 2010 at 9:33 pm

      Haha! I’m the Gemini, actually. My theories are either that he is some kind of vampire, or that he just gets very grumpy when he is tired and I am laughing at him. 😉

       
  13. flory

    April 30, 2010 at 2:40 am

    this is HLIARIOUS. i’ve never met anyone who actually sleeptalks so lucidly!

     
  14. Melissa

    May 4, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    LOL my husband is EXACTLY like that! Recently he woke up and asked, “What country are we in, anyway?” And I asked him what he was talking about, and he said, “Oh man… sometimes…. sometimes I just feel like a peanut butter sandwich. You know, folded over?” And then he went back to sleep!

     
  15. Krista

    May 11, 2010 at 10:33 pm

    *I* am like this. I recently had a baby (yay me!) and the three of us were all snuggled up like usual. I “woke” up and started freaking out on my husband, asking him “where the other one was.” Yeah, I totally thought we had twins and he had lost one.

    The other night I was talking (raving) about ants the size of my toddler…

     
  16. juliemooreonlife

    March 24, 2011 at 8:10 pm

    Funny stuff! My husband does that too especially if he’s on a new medicine. he’ll have a whole conversation with himself.

     

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