a diversion

15 Feb

Setting: 24 Hour Fitness.

Time:  Early evening, following the conclusion of the standard workday.

The gym is about half full.  The different sections are dioramas of stereotypes.  Beefy muscle heads stride around the weight section, middle-aged moms power-walk on the treadmills, and skinny blonds with tight pony-tails stretch against the walls, texting with one hand and talking loudly to each other about “that guuuuy”.

Plugging stoically away on an elliptical is Jessica Bagley.  She is a study in awkwardness.  Her hair is too short to pull back, but too long to avoid getting in her eyes.  Her exercise pants catch under her shoes and drag on the ground, and she has a perpetual wedgie.  She is sweating profusely.

As she glances down at the clock on the machine, she heaves a sigh.  As she contemplates stopping, two figures appear in a puff of smoke, casually watching her progress.  The first is lean, with bright eyes and muscular arms.  The second slouches emphatically, her belly bulging out from underneath an ill-fitting shirt.  This second figure is munching away on an eclair that she has seemingly pulled from nowhere.

Fitness:  Ah!  This, this is vhat I haff been talkink about!  The sveat!  The breathink!  Ve are vorking now!

Laziness:  Auugh.  (eats an eclair.)  Are we done yet?

Fitness:  Done?  Ve haff only been runnink for…vhat?  Two minutes?  Three, mebbe.

Laziness:  TWELVE.  TWELVE MINUTES.  (eats a sausage.)  I’ve been watching the thingy.

Fitness:   The thingy?  Vhat thingy?

Laziness:  I’unno.  (eats a parfait.)  The time thingy.

Fitness:  Vell, vhat matters the time?  Nothink!  Ve vork until ve cannot vork any more!  Ve vork until blood dries up!  Until our legs fall off.

Laziness:  Wait.  (eats onion rings.)  You said we only had to go half an hour.

Fitness:  Half an hour is startink point.  Ve go mebbe half hour, mebbe more.  Mebbe whole hour.  Mebbe two!  Ve go until ve can go no longer!

Laziness:  You said we only had to go for half an hour.

Fitness:  Eh, I thought this, at first, but ve are not tired enough!  Ve must end vorkout feeling drained.  Can ve valk?  Yes?  Ve did not vork hard enough!!

Laziness:  But we’re already tired.

Fitness:  Not tired enough!

Laziness:  We can’t goooo anymooooore.

Fitness:  Just seventeen more minutes!  Soon, ve increase the resistance!

Laziness:  But we caaaaaaaaaaan’t.  Our legs are tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired.

Fitness:  Ve can do better!

Laziness:  Our kneeeeeeeeeeeeees hurt.  We’re out of breath.  This is awful.  I haaaaaaaate it.

Fitness:  Is good, though!  Five months of this, and ve vill really see results.

Laziness:  This sucks. (eats guacamole.)  I don’t want results anymore.

Frugality: (appears in a blaze of hellfire, silhouetted against the wall with eyes like coal and a voice like shattering glass.) WE PAID FOR RESULTS.  WE ARE GETTING SOME GODDAMN RESULTS.  STOP YOUR WHINING AND MOVE YOUR FEET FOR ANOTHER SIXTEEN MINUTES.  IF YOU DON’T SO HELP ME GOD I WILL-

Laziness:  Fiiine.  JESUS.

Fitness:  She always agrees with me.

Laziness:  Shut up.  (eats a truffle.)  I hate you.

End scene.


Posted by on February 15, 2010 in Uncategorized


11 responses to “a diversion

  1. Jacob Peterson

    February 16, 2010 at 8:27 pm

    Purely amazing.

  2. Rebekah

    February 16, 2010 at 10:02 pm

    In my life, Fitness and Laziness would be embodied as… hmm…. my seldom-used running shoes vs. a nice, warm bed? Or an apple vs. a bag of sugar? I had to get rid of my sugar bowl, I kept eating the sugar straight…

  3. Tess

    February 18, 2010 at 12:24 am

    I think maybe I should start paying for a gym so Frugality can come kick my ass. Right now I hang out a lot with Yoga and Pilates and they’re all “Do what feels right, man. Be true to your body”. Sometimes what feels right is eating peanut butter out of the jar.

    • James

      February 18, 2010 at 1:51 am

      Eating peanut butter out of the jar always feels right. Especially when it’s been refrigerated: that way, it gets the consistency of Reese’s peanut butter. Hey, at least it’s good protein, right?

  4. James

    February 18, 2010 at 2:04 am

    For me, Fitness and Laziness have come to an understanding. Fitness has his way during work at the warehouse, and Laziness takes over the second I get home. Unfortunately, Laziness plays wingman to Leisure, forming a dastardly duo that mean to do in our ailing hero, Productivity. I’m finding concealed knives and 9 mil’s in every crack and corner of my psyche.

    When are you going to publish a book so I can hold it up on a street corner and rave like an end-times prophet?

  5. D Green

    February 18, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    Every time I read your laziness vs. fitness conversations I nearly fall out of my chair laughing. First of all because I’m pretty sure the SAME conversation happens in my head every day. Secondly… well… you’re just hilarious.

    Thank you for sharing. I SO enjoy it when your blog pops in to my reader. 🙂


    • Jessica

      February 18, 2010 at 4:46 pm

      Hey, wow, thanks! 🙂 It’s always awesome to hear from new commentors. Commenters? I don’t know how to spell that.

      It’s nice to know I’m not the only one living with a Russian body builder in my brain. 🙂

  6. Harriet

    February 19, 2010 at 1:17 pm

    This. is. pretty. much. my. life!

    I hate to exercise but I force myself in to it. My mum and my sister recently signed me up for a 5k charity run, so I’ve got to force myself though. Thanks, guys…

    • Jessica

      February 19, 2010 at 5:04 pm

      5K charity run…? That sentence nearly gave me a heart attack. I was the kid running the mile in twelve minutes in high school.

      Good luck to you, though! Charity is a pretty good reason to kill yourself through fitness.

  7. KK

    February 22, 2010 at 10:23 pm

    Fabulous post! I think everyone can identify with this battle and the Russian(?) accent combined with the eclairs and truffles = perfect! 🙂

  8. causeofgreaterworth

    April 2, 2010 at 1:40 pm

    Your internal battles are so much more interesting than mine. Mine last about a quarter of the time and are almost never snarky. I’m jealous.


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