So I guess that the decade is ending. I hadn’t really thought about this before all of the Best/Worst Of The Decade lists started coming out, and guys, these lists are everywhere. People counting down the awesomest inventions, the coolest books, the most influential movies, etc, etc, etc. There’s also a small mountain of articles dedicated to why this decade totally blew, like this one that defines the ‘zeroes’ as a decade “in which nothing good happened, and none of the optimistic things we were supposed to believe turned out to be true.”
Fun stuff. I can’t help but take that a little personally, Mister Paul Krugman. These last ten years were a big deal to a great many of us, especially that cluster of us that used this time to finally mature into adults.
And so, as a child of the Big Zeroes, I am asserting my own importance and putting together my own Decade List. It’s not…really a list about anything specific, because I think all of those are done already.
Most Impressive And Simultaneously Disgusting Visual Display Of Consumption: The Diet Coke Wall, manufactured in my college apartment, containing more than four hundred cans accumulated over a single semester.
Best Song That I Am Embarrassed That I Listened To On Repeat So Many Times: Easily “How I Remind You” by Nickelback. Good times, middle school. Good times.
Cutest Cartoon: Foster’s Home For Imaginary Friends, brainchild of the Powerpuff Girls’ Craig McCracken.
Cartoon With The Most Kung-Fu Rats: The 2003 series, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
The Best Movie To Watch In An Empty Theatre With Brittney, While The Projectionist Snorts Derisively At Our Comparisons To Star Wars: 2007’s TMNT. Oh, Raphael, when will you learn that Leonardo is better than you, and Leo, dear Leo, when will you learn that your mutant turtle brother is an angsty ball of hate that just needs to be loved?
The Best Game To Play In A Panera Bread With Brittney, While The Hipsters At The Tables Around Us Roll Their Eyes At Our Bidoof Jokes: 2007’s Pokemon Diamond and Pearl.
Worst Song To Be Forced To Play Repeatedly At A Basketball Game For High School Pep Band: Paul Simon’s ‘Call Me Al’. I can still hear the piccolos, oh god, the piccolos.
Best Sandwich: Last night’s BLT. Ooh, I wonder if we have any bacon left?
Best Instance Of Jell-O Shot Making While Dancing In A Kitchen To Journey’s ‘Separate Ways’: I think this occurred in the fall of 2008…those Jell-O shots were eventually consumed by a horde of college students descending on our apartment like a pack of bloodhounds whose noses could only detect booze.
Most Outstanding Daisy Chain Artist: College Roommate Linnaea, who is small and beautiful and is able to put on eyeliner like a SWAT guy disarms bombs.
Best Book To Read While A Future Boyfriend Awkwardly Sits Next To You and Tries To Make Conversation, Nervously Hedging Towards Asking You To The Winter Formal But Always Chickening Out And Going To Hang Out With His Cluster Of Other Friends Who Thought He Was Being A Little Girl About The Whole Thing: G.R.R. Martin’s A Game Of Thrones.
Best Anime To Watch While A Current Boyfriend Of Nearly Six Years Crafts You A BLT In The Kitchen Of Your Shitty Post-College Apartment, After He Has Gone And Done All Of The Grocery Shopping, Seriously, You Guys, What A Sweetheart: Fruits Basket. I cannot justify being halfway through this series. The main ‘bishounen’ talks like he is stoned half the other time, and the other is inexplicably from Brooklyn. I know this series is flat-out stupid. WHY CAN’T I STOP WATCHING OH GOD HONDA TORU WHO WILL YOU PICK TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEEEEND.
Coolest Book That Was Written By Somebody I’ve Met: Winona’s Closet Confidential, which I have a signed copy of. It’s good stuff and I will be lending it to my friend Tess (not that she needs any closet confiding! she just likes fashion books!) as soon as I am finished with it.
Best Book That I Inadvertently Stole From My Highschool, Only To Be Found And Read By My Mother Years Later: Ray Bradbury’s Something Wicked This Way Comes.
Most Delicious Cake That Taylor Ate Half Of During Lunch: Missy’s high school cooking class final, a phenomenal mound of chocolate and berries that tasted like unicorn. We devoured that thing. I don’t think we even used forks.
Awesomest Movie That My Best College Girlfriends Went To See With Me On My 21st Birthday In Lieu Of Getting Totally Wasted: Speed Racer. Effin’ SPEED RACER YOU GUYS. SPEEEEEED. RACERRRRRRRR.
Most Stupendous Niece: Baby Bella, who is two years old now and spent Saturday attacking my feet with an alligator.
Most Thoroughly Fabulous Mom Who Reads My Blog: My mom. Hi, Mom.
Worst Outfit That I Thought Was Awesome In Highschool: Begin with short tenth grader with pale skin and long blonde hair. Mix with lumpy oversized green sweater, add baggy raver jeans and torn sneakers. Season with constantly worn green beanie and garnish with a green hiking backpack found in the garage. Voila! You’ve made ONE Captain Of The Colorguard!
Most Amazing Cheap College Meal That Laura Thought Was Patently Disgusting: Chili Toast! It’s literally like…get some chili. Put it on some toast. INSTANT SATISFACTION.
Cutest Movie That Will Make You Cry Mountains Of Tears Within The First Ten Minutes: 2009’s Up. Seriously. Don’t see that movie without a box of Kleenex and a pint of ice cream.
Best List Comprised Of Off-The Cuff Categories With No Real Bearing On The Decade In Question: Oh, you guys. Totally this one.