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(eats words)

29 Oct

As soon as I get the appropriate shoes, I am joining a gym.

I am honestly pretty excited about this.  Over the years I have endured an endless inner battle, between the two sides of my ‘fitness personality’.  One of these, the one that advocates exercise, sounds kind of like a furious Russian body-builder.  The other, the one that advocates laziness, just kind of sounds like me.

Huh.

Anyway, for the majority of my life, Laziness and Fitness have had an ongoing argument, about What We’re Going To Do That Day.

Fitness:  Vell, vhat do you think you are doink?

Lazy:  Uhm. (Eats a donut.) Eating donuts?

Fitness: Ah-ha! This, THIS is precisely vhat ve vant to stay avay from!  Sittink around, eatink donuts!  Let’s go eh…let us go vork out! Get some blood pumpink!

Lazy:  Oh.  (Eats a Dorito.)  Uh.  Do we really have to?

Fitness:  Vell, I suppose ve do not haff to.  But ve…ve should!  Yah?  Ve should get movink!  Sounds like fun, yah?

Lazy:  Uh.  (Eats a nacho.)  Not really.

Fitness:  Oh, come on!  It does!  It sounds fun!  Ve can go joggink!  Ve can go bikink!  Ve can go treadmill…on the treadmill!  There are lots of fun things ve vill do!  All of it exercisink!

Lazy:  That doesn’t…(Eats a Kit-Kat.)…that doesn’t sound very fun.

Fitness:  Vell, it is not fun like…like vatching cartoons fun.  This is different kind of fun.  This is fun like sveating and gettink out of breath and havink the flushink pink cheeks.

Lazy:  Yeah.  (Eats a pizza.)  None of those things sound fun.

Fitness:  Come on! Don’t you vant to be svelte?  Sexy?  Don’t you vant to be able to lift more than ten pounds at vunce?  Do not you vant to go up a flight of stairs, and get to the top vithout haffink to stop to breathe?

Lazy:  Eh.  (Eats a cake.) Overrated.

Fitness:  AUUUGH!  You are so frustratink! You vill end up fat slob, alone vith your Cheetos and Doritos and Tostitos and burritos and you vill get heart attack at age thirty five!  Does none of this vorry you?  Are you not vorried?

Lazy:  Vorried? (Eats a fried chicken.) What’s uh…vorry?

Fitness:  Vorry!  Vorry!  You should be much vorry!

Lazy:  V…worried?

Fitness:  Da.

Lazy: Ah.  (Eats a torte.) I’m not really worried.

Fitness:  This I can see.  Vell, I vill not be drag down vith you into hole of slobness.  You hear me?  I am out!  Kaput!  Until you learn to vork out and haff little bit of self-control, I am not comink back!  You understand?

Lazy:  Sure.  (Eats a rump roast.)  See you around.

Fitness:  No, you von’t! Because I am never comink back!

Thus Fitness slams the door and I’m left in a puddle of sloth, completely devoid of all ambition or energy until Fitness inevitably returns and meekly tries to restart the conversation.

I am hoping that a gym membership will somehow help Fitness gain a little traction in this whole debate, because, lazy as I am, I am even more frugal.

Fitness:  Vell, I return!  Ve go to gym now, yah?

Lazy: Eh…(Eats fudge)…do we really have to?

Frugality:  YES WE FUCKIN HAVE TO.  WE PAID FOR THAT FUCKIN MEMBERSHIP YOU LAZY LITTLE SHIT!  GET OFF YOUR ASS!  GO!  GO!  DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MANY BILLS WE COULD HAVE PAID WITH THAT MONEY?  DO YOU?  SHOULD I BEAT IT INTO YOU?  IF YOU DON’T WANT ME TO YOU BETTER HEAVE YOUR SAGGY BUTT OFF THAT FUCKIN COUCH AND GET TO THE GYM.

Fitness:  …Yah.

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9 Comments

Posted by on October 29, 2009 in Life

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

9 responses to “(eats words)

  1. Sally

    October 29, 2009 at 8:18 am

    Gawd, you crack me up. Here’s hoping something at the gym resonates – it’s all trudgery till you find your magic exercise!

     
  2. lisa

    October 29, 2009 at 11:50 am

    Wow, Frugality has quite the potty mouth! Who knew?

     
    • Jessica

      October 29, 2009 at 2:36 pm

      Eh, it comes from Frugality’s innate inner rage. 😉

       
  3. Carsis

    October 29, 2009 at 7:26 pm

    If you ever get a chance, you should totally draw that out in a comic. 😉

     
  4. Jenny

    October 29, 2009 at 11:34 pm

    Absolutely LOVES “You vill end up fat slob, alone vith your Cheetos and Doritos and Tostitos and burritos and you vill get heart attack at age thirty five!”

     
  5. Kitty

    October 30, 2009 at 3:12 am

    I heart personified inner-dialogue. 🙂

     
  6. Brittney

    October 30, 2009 at 11:52 pm

    hahahahaa yessssssssssssss. Heyyyy I just figured out that when the rec center at PSU opens…. I will be paying for a gym membership too! SEXY FITNESS BUDDIES

     
  7. knowoneyouknow

    July 7, 2010 at 8:03 pm

    oh man this sounds like conversations I’ve had with myself. thanks for the laugh. getting into the habit of exercise is also like trying to break-up with a lover or trying to quit smoking – it takes quite a few tries until it finally sticks.

     

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