As soon as I get the appropriate shoes, I am joining a gym.
I am honestly pretty excited about this. Over the years I have endured an endless inner battle, between the two sides of my ‘fitness personality’. One of these, the one that advocates exercise, sounds kind of like a furious Russian body-builder. The other, the one that advocates laziness, just kind of sounds like me.
Anyway, for the majority of my life, Laziness and Fitness have had an ongoing argument, about What We’re Going To Do That Day.
Fitness: Vell, vhat do you think you are doink?
Lazy: Uhm. (Eats a donut.) Eating donuts?
Fitness: Ah-ha! This, THIS is precisely vhat ve vant to stay avay from! Sittink around, eatink donuts! Let’s go eh…let us go vork out! Get some blood pumpink!
Lazy: Oh. (Eats a Dorito.) Uh. Do we really have to?
Fitness: Vell, I suppose ve do not haff to. But ve…ve should! Yah? Ve should get movink! Sounds like fun, yah?
Lazy: Uh. (Eats a nacho.) Not really.
Fitness: Oh, come on! It does! It sounds fun! Ve can go joggink! Ve can go bikink! Ve can go treadmill…on the treadmill! There are lots of fun things ve vill do! All of it exercisink!
Lazy: That doesn’t…(Eats a Kit-Kat.)…that doesn’t sound very fun.
Fitness: Vell, it is not fun like…like vatching cartoons fun. This is different kind of fun. This is fun like sveating and gettink out of breath and havink the flushink pink cheeks.
Lazy: Yeah. (Eats a pizza.) None of those things sound fun.
Fitness: Come on! Don’t you vant to be svelte? Sexy? Don’t you vant to be able to lift more than ten pounds at vunce? Do not you vant to go up a flight of stairs, and get to the top vithout haffink to stop to breathe?
Lazy: Eh. (Eats a cake.) Overrated.
Fitness: AUUUGH! You are so frustratink! You vill end up fat slob, alone vith your Cheetos and Doritos and Tostitos and burritos and you vill get heart attack at age thirty five! Does none of this vorry you? Are you not vorried?
Lazy: Vorried? (Eats a fried chicken.) What’s uh…vorry?
Fitness: Vorry! Vorry! You should be much vorry!
Lazy: Ah. (Eats a torte.) I’m not really worried.
Fitness: This I can see. Vell, I vill not be drag down vith you into hole of slobness. You hear me? I am out! Kaput! Until you learn to vork out and haff little bit of self-control, I am not comink back! You understand?
Lazy: Sure. (Eats a rump roast.) See you around.
Fitness: No, you von’t! Because I am never comink back!
Thus Fitness slams the door and I’m left in a puddle of sloth, completely devoid of all ambition or energy until Fitness inevitably returns and meekly tries to restart the conversation.
I am hoping that a gym membership will somehow help Fitness gain a little traction in this whole debate, because, lazy as I am, I am even more frugal.
Fitness: Vell, I return! Ve go to gym now, yah?
Lazy: Eh…(Eats fudge)…do we really have to?
Frugality: YES WE FUCKIN HAVE TO. WE PAID FOR THAT FUCKIN MEMBERSHIP YOU LAZY LITTLE SHIT! GET OFF YOUR ASS! GO! GO! DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MANY BILLS WE COULD HAVE PAID WITH THAT MONEY? DO YOU? SHOULD I BEAT IT INTO YOU? IF YOU DON’T WANT ME TO YOU BETTER HEAVE YOUR SAGGY BUTT OFF THAT FUCKIN COUCH AND GET TO THE GYM.