I am only about five minutes removed from the most terrifying event of my lifetime. I may have sprouted gray hairs tonight.
My friends, it was the biggest spider I have ever seen.
I know that people use that statement as hyperbole, like, all the time, but I am being completely genuine when I say that this was a supersized spider. This was the Michael Phelps of spiders. It was the spider Death Star. If all the species of spiders constituted the Justice League? This spider, THIS SPIDER would be BATMAN.
There I was, calmly experimenting with titles in different fonts in Microsoft Word, when something dark and spindly caught my eye. My first thought was that was a moth flying in spastic circles towards the lamp. The shape scooted along, and it suddenly occurred to me that it was a rather large blur to be a moth, with an eerie fluidity of movement that reminded me more of a bug than a flying thing, though I guess some bugs ARE flying things, kind of an ‘all ducks have wings’ thing, I think, or maybe not because frankly I never understood that saying, being that the transitive property was never my strength, but I think it plays more with the inverse of the transiholy mother OF GOD WHAT IS THAT?
In a fraction of a second, I was standing on the couch, my head lolling open like a screaming muppet with my arms doing a spastic Kermit the Frog impression.
“TAYLOR. TAYLOR, SWEETIE, SWEETIE, SWEETIE. TAAAYLOR.”
“What?” Taylor’s voice carried hints of alarm. For the last twenty minutes he had been playing Warcraft III in the office, and Taylor understands that this is plenty of time for me to come up with a stupid, life-threatening idea and put it into play. “Are you okay?” he called from the office.
“CAN YOU PLEASE JUST COME IN HERE RIGHT NOW NOW NOW RIGHT NOW PLEASE.”
“I’m coming! Coming!”
I heard him rumbling around in the office. Possibly he didn’t understand the situation.
“IT IS HUGE,” I shrieked. “COME IN HERE RIGHT NOW, SWEETHEART.”
Taylor appeared around the corner, his eyes wide. I calmly explained that the biggest spider I had ever seen had just leapt up on the couch, bitten the nose off my face, and threatened my mother. Okay, not really, but it was an enormous spider, not joking, seriously, and it would do all of those things I said if we did not act immediately.
Taylor leapt into action, seizing a show and striding towards the spider’s hiding place behind the T.V. Out of respect for his hunt, I switched off Kim Possible, and waited.
There was movement. Taylor attacked.
Within seconds, the spider was gone. Gone…but there was no body. As anybody who has seen a horror film knows, no body equals NO DEATH, and so Taylor and I sat on the couch, staring at the spot the spider had been when the shoe came down, waiting, waiting, waiting for it to reappear with a hoard of spider friends and a taste for vengeance.
I don’t know what crevice this spider has found to hide in, but I will be Ahab-ing all around my living room until it is destroyed. Many people like spiders and want to preserve their existence, and that is okay, but I feel earnestly that it is this spider or me. I don’t want to get bitten. I mean, Spiderman is great and all, but instead of getting superpowers it is likely that I will just froth a bit and die.
We will meet again soon, spider.
I have a harpoon for ye.