fictional love

23 Jul

I watch a truly alarming amount of children’s programming.

The sad thing is that I don’t watch kids’ shows because I have my own rugrats (I don’t) or because I’m trying to occupy other young minds with the blaring mindlessness of television.  I’m not even doing any kind of noble research project.

I just…I just really like kiddy T.V. shows.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with a grown person enjoying a well-written episode of Sponge Bob.  But when that adult begins endowing Sponge Bob with complicated motivations and anxieties…then that adult needs a glass of wine and a new hobby.

And so, on this theme of ‘Inappropriate Ways To Watch Children’s Programming’, I would like to bring you Jessica’s Top Seven Fictional Crushes, straight off the Disney reels and Cartoon Network.

1.  Justin from Wizards of Waverly Place. I started watching this show to make fun of it.  Seriously.  I thought I was being clever, and within the first five minutes I started blogging in my head about how awful it was.  “More like…stupids of…stupidly place.”  Ha!  Classic.  But after ten minutes or so…I started giggling at some of the jokes.  After twenty minutes, I started rooting for my favorite characters to come onscreen.  And after the fourth straight episode, I was totally in fake-love with the show’s protagonist:  dorky, adorable, awkwardly booksmart Justin Russo.  After confirming my crush, I looked up the actor on Twitter, to see if he was as wonderful as I imagined him to be.  But after the third tweet that spelled ‘girl’ as ‘grrl’, I decided to stick with fiction.

2.  Ron Stoppable from Kim Possible. I think I have a thing for awkward, accident prone guys who have a witticism for every situation, I think.  Kim Possible is basically the coolest show on television.  It stars Kim as a teenage crimefighter (I know) who battles supervillains ranging from the menacing to the ridiculous, all the while trying to manage her schoolwork and her place on the cheerleading squad (I KNOW). Ron is her childhood best friend, who comes along and does what he can to help.  I adore him because he is incapable.  I promise this reflects in no way on Taylor.

3.  Beast Boy from Teen Titans. I’m not going to try to justify this.  This is shameful.

4.  Aladdin from…uh…Aladdin. Okay, ladies.  Admit it.  Those eyebrows.  That winning smile.  The bad boy exterior that concealed his golden heart.  You know you wanted Aladdin, from the age of eight onwards.  If he just gave up that fez, he’d be perfect.

5.  Shego from Kim Possible. Seriously, you guys.  Watch Kim Possible.

6.  The Flash from Justice League. The fast talking, fast moving member of the Justice League tries hard but never gets a break.  Okay…he…he doesn’t try that hard.  And he’s kind of obnoxious.  But any episode where he is cut down to size by an irritable Batman just melts my heart.  You’d think this means I had a fictional crush on Batman, but I tend to root for the underdog.

7.  Speed Racer. Specifically the Emile Hirsch iteration.  I don’t know if this is specifically children’s programming, but it has a monkey so I’m going with ‘yes’.  The movie was panned by critics and suffered poor box office sales, but I can’t imagine why.  Laura would argue that Speed Racer is inferior to the masked vigilante, Racer X, but give me the wholesome, hometown hero any day of the week.

So there they are.  My secret shames, printed out loud on the internet for everybody to see.  I am utterly convinced, though, that I am not alone in this.  Somebody out there must have a stupid fake crush on Brock from Pokemon or Bumblebee from the transformers.

Shout out your fictional loves in the comments!  Book-loves are okay as well.

I promise not to tell anybody.


Posted by on July 23, 2009 in Life


Tags: , , ,

14 responses to “fictional love

  1. Sal

    July 23, 2009 at 9:55 am

    I’ve always had a thing for Merlyn. Like ALL incarnations of Merlyn.

    • saturdayjane

      July 23, 2009 at 6:14 pm

      Rowr! The Sam Neill version? NOT BAD. 😉

  2. lisa

    July 23, 2009 at 10:32 am

    Have you ever seen Sailor Moon? I used to like Darien, aka Tuxedo Mask.

    • Brittney

      July 23, 2009 at 12:03 pm

      OMG Darien was hot stuff. But I had a bigger crush on Prince Diamond from… Um… season 4?!
      Yeah. I still do. Completely. 100%.

      I’m going to agree with Laura on Racer X, but I would totally squeeze Speed Racer’s cheeks and hook him up with my best friend (coughcough).

      I think my last inappropriate crush is going to be Sven from Voltron. I’m actually shocked and appalled that you didn’t list him!!!

      • saturdayjane

        July 23, 2009 at 6:17 pm


        Oh, Sven from Voltron! How could I forget him? He taught me that vultures…vultures are BEAUTIFUL birds.”

    • saturdayjane

      July 23, 2009 at 6:15 pm

      I watched a little Sailor Moon, and I had tons of friends who squealed over Darien. Including Brittney!

  3. rubybastille

    July 23, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    Mm, Racer X. Someday I will meet Matthew Fox and he will be expecting me to fangirl over “Lost,” but no, it’ll be “Speed Racer.”

    Also um Nightcrawler. I constantly have some kind of crush on Nightcrawler.

    • saturdayjane

      July 23, 2009 at 6:18 pm

      I also think Nightcrawler is adorable! Definitely the most appealing X-Man. Except when it comes to Hugh Jackman versus Alan Cumming.

  4. Vanessa

    July 23, 2009 at 6:41 pm

    I’m not judging. Lately I only watch about 4 channels, two of which are primarily cartoons: Cartoon Network and Nickelodeon. Of course, I’m a wee bit pissed that Cartoon Network has decided to, um, stop running solely cartoons. That’s just wrong.

    Anyway, I’m having a bit of trouble thinking of a cartoon series crush (I think James from Pokemon is awesome, but I wouldn’t say I’m actually crushing on him). I’m going to stretch the topic a bit and say that when I have an inexplicable crush on Twilight Princess Link. I mean, he doesn’t even TALK. Though, now that I think about it, that can be a pretty decent quality to find in a significant other, am I right? 😛

    • saturdayjane

      July 23, 2009 at 6:45 pm

      Ahh, Link. If we’re talking video games, then I have my own crush on Knuckles from Sonic The Hedgehog.

      Also, Cartoon Network is totally bogus for showing live action stuff, although I admit that I am intrigued by live-action Ben Ten: Alien Force.

  5. Jacob Peterson

    July 23, 2009 at 7:59 pm

    You are right…. I do love Brock!!!! More like Misty or Jesse from Team Rocket 😉

    • saturdayjane

      July 23, 2009 at 10:25 pm

      Prrr! I’m not going to lie, I love Team Rocket!

  6. Kitty

    July 25, 2009 at 6:19 am

    I have always thought Aladdin was the hottest of all the Disney princes. He’s spontaneous, dangerous, and shows a lot of skin. Plus, I have a secret fantasy about doing it on a flying carpet. Don’t tell anyone.

  7. Kristi

    July 29, 2009 at 12:19 pm

    Man, you are such a nerd.

    On a COMPLETELY UNRELATED NOTE, they have added x-men evolution to hulu! We will not speak of how excited I got over this discovery.

    *putting in a vote for Nightcrawler and Quicksilver*

    Did you ever watch Reboot? Technically it was cg, not animation, but man, I was in love with Bob for years.


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