way of safety

07 Jul

I am pretty afraid of the dark.

The hallway is usually the issue.  Let me explain.  This week I am staying at my parents house while we prepare to finish moving in to the apartment, and I tend to have…an issue, in my parent’s house.  I am usually the last one in my family to go to bed.  This means that my father, who is the second last person to go to bed, shuts off all of the lights (except the laundry) and shambles down the hallway.  I turn on the family room lamp, and sit in my island of safety, pondering what things lurk in the shadows.

I have developed a very specific process to maximize not getting mauled by fictional monsters on my way to bed.  Here, let me explain it to you by way of this handy floor plan of our house:

The numbers will be explained below.

The numbers will be explained below.

Yes yes, I know it is an awful diagram.  But not get my degree in diagramming!  If you are here for beautiful, well made diagrams, well, sir, you should go elsewhere.  Oh!  Can’t forget the key, so the colors make sense.

Note the proportional amount of Creepy Vampire Zombie Things to everything else.

Note the proportional amount of Creepy Vampire Zombie Things to everything else.

And now, the process.  Please correlate the numbers to the above graph.

  1. Turn on lamp.
  2. Turn on kitchen overhead light.
  3. Turn off laundry light.
  4. Turn off lamp.
  5. Turn on hallway light.
  6. Turn off kitchen overhead light.
  7. Turn on bedroom light.
  8. Turn off hallway light.
  9. Turn off bedroom light and go to sleep.

This process has been time tested and put through many variations.  There were points when I felt I could speed up the process by eliminating the kitchen light, but then I would find myself stuck between zombies and things that crawl on ceilings without any brightly lit Way Of Safety, and I would have to run for it.  I have learned that it is best to not mess with the method.

I have long given up any attempts at curing my fear of the dark.  Horror movies will continue to frighten me, i will spend many harrowing nights having to pee without the courage to get to the bathroom.  It is just the way that my life goes, and I am at peace with it, especially knowing that I am not alone in my terror.

How about you all?  What are you afraid is hanging out in the dark when you go to bed at night?


Posted by on July 7, 2009 in Life


Tags: ,

23 responses to “way of safety

  1. Casper

    July 7, 2009 at 11:51 pm

    Ooooh I used to be afraid of the dark (well still am to an extent). Scary. Loved your diagram =).

    • saturdayjane

      July 8, 2009 at 10:04 am

      Thanks, Casper! 🙂 Glad that somebody shares my fear.

  2. Kitty

    July 8, 2009 at 4:04 am

    I am totally afraid to stand next to my bed in the dark. SHUT UP. I’m serious. I am so afraid that something is going to grab me by the ankles and suck me in, that I actually had to purchase a bed with drawers built into the box spring in order to avoid the necessary you-can’t-catch-me-if-I-hop-around-enough dance and subsequent leap over the danger zone which one resulted in a mild concussion. Now I’m afraid to open the drawers.

    • saturdayjane

      July 8, 2009 at 10:05 am

      Oh God oh god, the something under the bed one is terrible. I’m glad you found a solution for it! I went through a phase of that but I’m usually okay now. For a period fo three years or so, though, I did the Jump Of Safety like you were describing. Lucky I never got a concussion! 😀

  3. Mellissa

    July 8, 2009 at 4:51 am

    I would check my closet for ghosts every night until I moved away to university…and when I got home the urge to check it was still there. I also do a room sweep of spiders, but I’m not sure that counts.

    • saturdayjane

      July 8, 2009 at 10:01 am

      Oh, the spider sweep TOTALLY counts. I usually forget the spider sweep unless I just happen to spot one, and then IT’S ON. 🙂 For some reason, college kind of eliminated my fears of the dark as well. KIND OF.

  4. kage

    July 8, 2009 at 9:45 am

    Hilarious! I love the diagram!! I too am terrified of the dark!! I always have been, and like you, it’s something that I have come to peace with and I live my life around it. My fiance thinks he can condition me to not be afraid of the dark any longer by doing things like turning out all the lights while I’m in the bathroom….and I keep telling him he’s fighting a losing battle, and when I’m attacked by ghosts in the hallway and subsequently possessed, it’s going to be HIS fault!

    Oh and those I AM LEGEND things gave me nightmares for so long!!!

    • saturdayjane

      July 8, 2009 at 10:02 am

      God, I was TERRIFIED by those I Am Legend things! My boyfriend promised me that it wasn’t a scary movie. HE LIED.

      Ha! I’m glad that you are stubbornly refusing to be ‘conditioned’ out of your fears. That is a sneaky way of trying to help you though! 😀

  5. Vanessa

    July 8, 2009 at 9:46 am

    I’m not afraid of anything in my house, but lately I have been battling the fear of a Sasquatch or Deranged Mental Patient on my way home from work and such. See, I live in an apartment complex right off a minor highway, but lately evil construction workers have been shutting the entire going-to-my-house half to repair a bridge. They do not announce this in advance. I get the joy of tiredly driving home, only to see flashing lights, pylons, and a big-ass detour sign directing me to East Bumfuck blocking my path. SO I have to drive 20 minutes out of my way to take the only other way to my house, BUT part of that drive is a barely-lit country road where all there is is CORN (scariest of night-time vegetables) and a giant center for mentally handicapped people. My heart always starts racing because I truly believe aforementioned Sasquatch or Deranged Mental Patient is going to jump in front of my car and attack me. Oh God it’s so terrible.

    • saturdayjane

      July 8, 2009 at 10:04 am

      That’s awful! The Something-In-The-Road fear is one of the worst. Did you ever see Jeepers Creepers? After that I was terrified that some ancient monster would attack my car. And honestly? Deranged Mental Patient?

      I get that one too.

  6. lisa

    July 8, 2009 at 10:37 am

    When I had longer hair, I’d scare myself looking in the mirror during late night bathroom trips, especially if the hair was hanging across my face–hello, girl from The Ring.

    • saturdayjane

      July 8, 2009 at 2:07 pm

      Oh, scary! Mirrors are the WORST at night. All the slight movements…eeaugh!

  7. Sal

    July 8, 2009 at 11:12 am

    My house, thankfully, has never given me The Bad Feelings. But I did go through a 6 month phase, after watching “The Mothman Prophecies,” wherein I absolutely would not go anywhere without plenty of lights on. NEVER watch that movie.

    • saturdayjane

      July 8, 2009 at 2:08 pm

      I will dutifully add it to my ‘to avoid’ list. Congratulations on having an unscary house! I aspire to that.

  8. Jerry

    July 8, 2009 at 12:35 pm

    Oh my gosh… I do that same sort of thing. Although I am also dead convinced that things will come in through the windows. But closing the blinds creates a magical barrier that prevents this. Whew. That was cathartic to admit.

    • saturdayjane

      July 8, 2009 at 2:08 pm

      Ha! I’ve had that attitude. If you can’t see THE EVIL, then THE EVIL can’t see you! 😀

  9. Maverick

    July 8, 2009 at 8:21 pm

    LOL, this is so hilarious because I do something really similar!! Looove the drawn out diagram!

    • saturdayjane

      July 8, 2009 at 10:06 pm

      Ha! Thank you!

  10. Brittney

    July 8, 2009 at 9:24 pm

    Yeahhh I don’t blame you, your (parent’s) house is kinda terrifying in the dark. I’m lucky that the only time I’ve ever had to traverse the upper level in the dark I’ve been confronted by the Scariest Gremlin of Them All: your father.

    Which isn’t really that scary.

    I’m not even kidding though, if anyone so much as breathes the word ghost around me in the hours of 9-10pm I will spend the rest of the evening in bed armed with the only weapon that ghosts cannot protect themselves from: a flashlight.

    • saturdayjane

      July 8, 2009 at 10:06 pm

      Ha! It IS pretty creepy to wander out into the living room at 4:00 AM only to see my Dad sitting motionless on the couch. It’s like something from M. Night Shyamalan.

      It’s funny, ghosts never really bugged me! They always just remind me of Charlie Brown. 🙂

  11. Winona

    July 8, 2009 at 11:41 pm

    HAHAAAHA holy crap this is amazing!

    • saturdayjane

      July 8, 2009 at 11:56 pm

      Thanks! 😀

  12. Sarah-Rose

    July 9, 2009 at 12:43 am

    I’m terrible in the pitch black – and even though I’m better than I once was, every morning after exercising I have to make my way from a dark downstairs, up dark stairs, to a lit bedroom upstairs and I end up running the stairs themselves.
    I use my iPhone Torch app to light my feet so I don’t fall but I know that if I pause that something will grab at my ankles from the darkness and I have to get to the light before they get me. Eep.


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