This week is something like it’s own little nightmare. It’s like Hell had been driving through the state of Oregon and it stopped over to see the sights. But really, this week has less to do with superstition and more to do with it being the nexus of Every Deadline Ever.
I’m a position in my sorority which entails me running an entire week of events at the end of the semester. So there’s that. I’m one of the people in charge of running Lipsync (which I won’t explain here, you can imagine it yourselves). My thesis is due on May 19th. My finals are coming up. Yesterday I had a speech to do. Tomorrow I have a three hour long sorority meeting. And I won’t even get into this weekend.
All of this would be tolerable if I had some sort of device, some strange contraption on which I could type word documents and send e-mails to people. Some strange thing that would allow me to surf YouTube and find the videos necessary for LipSync and read old files pertaining to the events I’m running next week. But such a machine is rooted in fantasy, I’m sure. It is being used by leprechauns riding on unicorns somewhere in Narnia.
All I have is Hadeus.
Hadeus is what I call my ‘computer’ in my head, because Hadeus does very little computing. He (has a gender, apparently, and) seems confused much of the time, has a hearing problem, and often forgets where he puts things. Few of my roommates want to touch him, for fear they might catch Compuherpes.
Hadeus would be named ‘Thadeus’, but he has been missing his ‘t’ key for a few years. And the name doesn’t do him justice. He is not clever, nor distinguished. He’s like that kid you knew in highschool, the one who had glasses and pens bleeding in his pocket and spent his lunch hour playing Yu-Gi-Oh in the hallway, and you figure, hey, he MUST be good at math or something, but no. Turns out he’s only really good at Yu-Gi-Oh, the prick.
Actually, Hadeus is very much like that kid in several ways. He has a gig or two of Ninja Turtles comics. He sometimes forgets how to spell. He has a few smears and crumbs on him. And you know how that kid would show up to the school dances in a trench coat and derby hat, not talk to anybody, but rock out in a gangly awkward sort of way in the corner? That’s what every YouTube video looks like, now, thanks to the lag.
Last night, Hadeus and I had a bit of an altercation.
I was typing merrily along, working hard on a document that needs to be finished by Wednesday so that I can send it out to my sorority sisters for the events I’m running next week. All of a sudden, my keyboard ceases responding.
Me: ‘Attire: For…r…R…R…’ HEY. I SAID ‘R’.
Me: I said ‘r’. When I push the ‘r’ button, you should put an ‘r’ up on the screen there.
Hadeus: Ohh. Sorry. I was a bit lost in thought. How many ‘r’s did you type? About fourteen? Okay, there you go. Fourteen ‘r’s. You’re welcome.
Me: Augh. Okay. Backspace backspace backspace back…BACKSPACE. BACKSPACE. COME ON HADEUS.
Hadeus: I thought you wanted those ‘r’s.
Me: I just wanted ONE. Now I want to backspace.
Hadeus: Okeydokey. Backspacing it is! BACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACK
Me: NO. STOPPIT. THAT’S ENOUGH.
Me: GODDAMN YOU HADEUS GODDAMN YOU TO HELL
Hadeus: BACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACK done!
Me: *heaves, out of breath from the exertion of fruitless rage*
Hadeus: There you go. Come on. You can get back to typing. Thanks to me!
Me: Great. Thanks. I have to retype like, two sentences, but that’s fine. I can handle that. I don’t want to risk the ctrl z. Anyway. *begins typing slowly, suspiciously* ‘…respectful. This is an important night for everybody involved, so please maintain a manner befitting a distinguished young woman. Attire: for-‘
Hadeus: DID SOMEBODY SAY ITUNES?
Me: NO. NOBODY SAID ITUNES.
Hadeus: Hang on, I can open ITunes for you! Lookit me go! Oh, wait…where did I put that program? Hang on, just don’t do anything for a few minutes.
Me: Hadeus. I need to finish this, Hadeus. Don’t open ITunes. Don’t give me more ‘r’s or delete half my page. I just. Want to finish. This document. Okay? Can we do that?
Hadeus: THERE’S ITunes! I found it! LET’S JAM.
And that’s when I ate my computer.