So, today I am sick.
It’s been looming for a couple of days. It began with a throat tickle, then screaming sore throat, and today, sinus headache, congestion, cough, sore throat, and ever-thrilling vomiting spells. After dropping Brittney off after this weekend’s visit, I flew into a Fred Meyer and stalked up and down the aisles, trying to find something to help. Finally, I encountered a slack-jawed young woman with gum in her mouth and a black choker clinging to her throat.
Me: ‘Scuse me…
Wannabe Goth: Yeaaah?
Me: I’m looking for medicine. Can you tell me where the medicine aisle is?
Wannabe Goth: You mean like, the pharmacyyy?
Me: Uh, no. I mean more like the non-prescription medications. For a cold or flu or whatever.
Wannabe Goth: *looks me up and down* You got a cold?
Me: I’m not sure. I got something.
Wannabe Goth: Oh.
Wannabe Goth: Well, the pharmacy is down there by the bathroooooom. It says ‘pharmacy’.
Me: Yeah, I saw the pharmacy. But there’s just condoms and stuff over on the racks over there, and I –
Wannabe Goth: Were you looking for condoms?
Me: NO I WAS NOT LOOKING I wasn’t looking for condoms, no. I’m looking for cold medication. Just regular, like, Tylenol or Dayquil or whatever. Do you know where that is?
Wannabe Goth: You looked at the pharmacy?
Me: Yes. I looked at the pharmacy.
Wannabe Goth: And it wasn’t there?
Me: It wasn’t there.
By this point a small stream of snot had begun dribbling down my lip, and my hands were quivering. The throbbing sinus headache had begun to obscure my good judgement.
Wannabe Goth: And you want like, Tylenooool?
Me: I really really do.
Wannabe Goth: *stares at my shaking hands* I don’t know if we have any.
Me: Are you serious. You don’t think you have Tylenol.
Wannabe Goth: Not like, non prescriptioooon.
Me: You don’t get prescription Tylenol. People don’t prescribe that. Because it’s TYLENOL.
Wannabe Goth: No, they DIDN’T prescribe it, but then people started making meth with it, so now you need a prescription for it. You should check the pharmacy.
Me: That’s not Tylenol. You mean Sudafed or something. No, not Sudafed, it starts with an S…maybe it is Sudafed. It’s not Tylenol, though. I’m totally sure that you don’t need a prescription for Tylenol.
I sniff violently and twitch a bit.
Wannabe Goth: Let me ask my managerrrr.
Me: JUST TELL ME WHERE YOUR PILLS ARE. I KNOW YOU HAVE PILLS HERE.
Wannabe Goth: Yeah. It’s called a pharmacy.