12 Apr

My roommates and I aren’t…excessively messy people.

I mean, Laura and Krista are clean.  Quite clean.  Tess and I are cluttered, but we try to contain our clutterial sprawl as much as we can.  This means that there are awkward pockets of our apartment that are filled with books, papers, shoes, jackets, or what have you.  It’s sort of like living in an ancient Egyptian pyramid, where you explore empty hallways and cavernous rooms until you suddenly stumble upon a corner stacked with jars of organs.  I like to think of it as discovering treasure.


Last night I got back from my sorority retreat exhausted and ready to drop.  After receiving some unexpected phone calls and finishing the planning for said retreat, I had only gotten about three hours of sleep, and had spent the day in energy-burning ‘leadership mode’.  I parked my car, shambled up the stairs, swiped my dilapidated ID card twice because it didn’t read the first time, and pushed open the door.

I was pretty sure I was in the wrong apartment.

The kitchen was swept.  The floor was vacuumed.  There was art on the walls and shelves where there hadn’t been shelves before.  The hallway was clear and the windowsills had been dusted.

There was a vase of flowers sitting pertly on one of the new shelves.

I struggled to make sense of this new development.  Possibly we had been host to cleaning gnomes?  Like, ‘Elves and the Shoemaker’ style, except instead of making clogs they alphabetized our DVD’s.  Maybe some sort of selective fire had started that burned only the clutter and dissolved the dirt.  Or possibly this just wasn’t my apartment.

That was it.  This wasn’t our apartment.

“Oh,” Tess piped up from her chair.  “You’re home!”

“Hiiii,” I said, reevaluating the situation.  Kevin grinned from the couch.

“How’d it go?” he asked.

“Good.  So.  Uh.  Our….uh.”

“Yeah,” Tess looked a little sheepish.  She bit her lip.  “I had…I had a lot of caffeine today.”

“This,” I gestured to our new Stepford apartment, “is from caffeine?”

“Well, I’ve never been affected by caffeine like that before!  I’ve had coffee!  I’ve had tons of coffee before.  I’ve had like, those five hour energy drinks, and it’s just been like, oh, okay, now I’m awake, but yesterday it was just like…bwaaaugh!” I blinked at her.  Tess continued.  “Maybe it was because it was dark coffee?  Because the coffee I usually have is just full of sugar and this was like just a regular full cup of coffee.  Not even full.  It as like three fourths of a cup of coffee.  And I just needed to do something right then and I started picking up and I ended by washing windows.”

“I…” I glanced over at the late afternoon sunshine streaming onto the floor.  “You washed the windows?”


“They look…nice.”

I looked around the apartment and let it settle in.

“Yeah,” I said.  “It looks nice.  I like it.  Thanks.”

This morning I’ve been sitting and working on a speech I need to give tomorrow, glorifying in the clean living room.  The vacuumed floor is the real treat.  We have a vacuum that was donated to us by my folks, but it…uh…it smokes when we turn it on, and belches out fumes of burned dog hair.  So we just live with any bits of things that end up on the floor.  Tess actually went next door to the guy’s apartment, borrowed their tiny Dust Devil vacuum cleaner and I can only imagine she spent the afternoon on her hands and knees, changing the bag out after every two square feet.  Already I’m noticing a thing I’ve left here, a thing I’ve left there.  I wonder how long we’ll go before we need to give Tess another cup of coffee.


Posted by on April 12, 2009 in Life


Tags: ,

8 responses to “caffeine

  1. lisa

    April 12, 2009 at 2:47 pm

    LOL man, I’m reading this and thinking those were the days! I’ve become so desensitized to the effects of caffeine that it takes a double espresso shot latte to just get me going in the morning. More tea and coffee to follow in the afternoon.

    • saturdayjane

      April 12, 2009 at 4:04 pm

      Ha! I’ve been so drowned in Diet Coke since I was little that I can’t ever remember feeling jazzed by caffeine or an energy drink or what have you! It must be nice. I’ve heard there are caffeine PILLS for that now, but that thought just makes me nervous

  2. Vanessa

    April 12, 2009 at 8:57 pm

    I had a five-hour energy drink once. I was pressured into it by my then-boyfriend, and it ended up with him carrying me home in the middle of the night (we had gone for a walk to get these godforsaken concoctions), laying me on the kitchen floor because I was so hot and nauseous, making me tea, and carrying me upstairs to tuck me into bed before he went to hang out with his friends (now that I think of it, this incident describes the dynamis of that entire disaster of a relationship). I went to work late the next day because I was in such a stupor that I couldn’t tell you my own name, let alone remember to set an alarm. I. Hate. Five-Hour Energy Shots.

    That had little to do with your clean abode. I just had to say it, though.

    • saturdayjane

      April 12, 2009 at 9:16 pm

      Oh, God! I haven’t heard of anyone having a reaction like that! That’s terrifying/horrible!

      I’ve never had a five hour energy shot.

      You’ve officially scaring me into NEVER DOING ONE.

      • Vanessa

        April 13, 2009 at 5:15 am

        It may have had something to do with the fact I don’t consume a lot of caffeine on a regular basis, especially not energy drinks.

  3. Brittney

    April 13, 2009 at 11:50 am

    Hahahaahahaa, if I drink any coffee after 2pm I’m totally like this. My room gets VACUUMED and I ORGANZIE my SOCK DRAWER ALPHABETICALLY and also sometimes I CLEAN the BATHROOM.

    Poor Tess. Guarana does some awful things to your body.

    • saturdayjane

      April 13, 2009 at 9:45 pm

      Ha. I don’t think she minded too much. It’s useful to know, though, what caffeine does to one’s body!


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