I have been going around in circles the last few days trying to come up with something to say about my new purse and wallet, and folks, I’ve been coming up empty. How does one do a pithy, humorous post about perfection?
When I’m lacking inspiration in subjects like these, I tend to go hunting on the internet. I’m less used to describing how much I like things than I am to cynically screaming at the weather in capslock, so this demand, this…complimenting…is stretching my literary muscles. I sifted through the sonnets of the Bard, I waded through Donne, I combed through Bennett until I found her poem, ‘How Do I Love Thee’. In rereading it, I realized that the lady was quite obviously talking about her own fabulous handbag, and if she felt so strongly about it, she wouldn’t mind me adapting it a bit to express my own new love. However, I’m not a poet, so I’m using the handy Bulleted List format.
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways!
- Thy gentle magnetic clasp, still a totally novel concept to me, but oh so convenient.
- Thy color, o! supple green! Hue of summer and growing radiance and very underripe bananas.
- Thy handy front pocket! Stylish, true, but a most perfect spot to keep my wallet, so I am not forced to tear through they depths in abject embarrassment, searching for a hidden I.D. or wad of cash.
- Thy triple-inside-pocket, so I may shove mine receipts away without endangering the findability of mine IPod.
- Thy moste affordable price, which was only I think $24.95 at Target.
- Thy pleasing aesthetic, which makes me appear not a mere toddling lass nor a toothless hag.
- Thy durable waterproof exterior.
- Thy ability to carry and conceal three large bottles of liquor (mother, be not surprise-ed)
- And gentle wallet! I have not forgotten thee! Thy purple hue is moste pleasing against the underripe banana of mine purse.
- Thy snapping clasp makes me feel like a lady of the court, although any wallet that actually shut may have well produced the same effect.
You know, I may have to change that banner again. Every time I load the page, I kind of go, “BUH! EYES!” Tess assures me it’s fine, but for my own well being, it may need to be updated yet again.
Taylor: “I’m glad you called. I have some…some very bad news for you.”
Me: “…oh? What is it?”
Taylor: “Your purse is ugly.”
Me: “WHAT. NO. NO IT ISN’T. IT’S ADORABLE.”
Taylor: “Sorry. It’s disgusting. That color…I threw up a little bit.”
Me: “SHUT. SHUT YOUR FACE. IT’S CUTE. YOU’RE JUST JEALOUS.”
Taylor: “Nope. Just telling you the truth. You have bought the most hideous purse on the face of the planet.”
Me: “I showed it to all of my friends. They all think it’s cute.”
Taylor: “So, three people think it’s cute. Great.”
Me: “Fuck you, darling.”
Taylor: “I find it funny that you called it your Job Getting Purse. Big market for the colorblind these days?”
Me: *growls unintelligibly into the phone*
Taylor: “Loooooove you.”