Dear Oregon Weather,
I have had it about up to here with you.
I know that you got this job because Oregon thought you were a great fit and all, because you did the rain thing with a little pizazz and popped out a couple of rainbows in the interview, but you’re getting sloppy. More and more lately, you’ve seemed to drop the ball, to be behind the rest of Oregon, and frankly, we’re all a little dissatisfied with your performance.
For instance, Oregon Weather, consider spring. Oh, I’m sorry? You can’t? BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T GODDAMN KNOW IT WAS SPRING YET? What happened there? Did you miss the memo? The rest of Oregon figured it out, and don’t tell me it’s because you don’t check your e-mail because that’s bullshit, and you need to learn.
We should have met sooner, Oregon Weather, and that’s my fault. I’ve been letting a lot of this…misbehavior slide. When you trapped Oregonians under feet of snow for Christmas, I figured, maybe you’re having a rough time at home. When you nearly flooded campus in February, I was like, hey, even the best slip sometimes. But today is the tenth day of Spring, and I have yet to see even a glint of sunshine. Not one peep through those low hanging clouds that you put out there just because it’s easy. Look around. Does this look like spring to you? Black skies. People in parkas. The wind today practically peeled my corneas off.
This is your first and last warning, Oregon Weather. Shape up. Get with the game. Learn to do your shit correctly and on time, and we won’t have any more problems, but keep in mind that we’ve got California Weather just waiting in the wings, just waiting for a chance to replace you. And with the way you’ve been working lately, a lot of Oregonians would be happy to see that.
I’ve got my eye on you, buster.