my name would be ‘the epic schnoz’

15 Mar

I had a migraine this week.

For those of you who have had migraines, you understand exactly what that means. For those of you that haven’t, imagine a claustrophobic dwarf living inside your skull who suddenly, and forcibly, realizes he wants out, so he sets to work creating an exit through your frontal lobe. The only tools he is afforded for this task are a jackhammer and an icepick. And he has excellent upper body strength.

Different people tend to have different sorts of symptoms with their migraines. Some get blurred or kaleidoscopic vision, some have extreme sensitivity to light and sound, some get fatigued or even nauseous. Myself, I get blurred vision, some nausea/fatigue, and scent sensitivity. It sounds bizarre, I know. I usually have a fairly decent sniffer, but the instant a migraine starts weeviling its way into my brain my olfactory receptors go into red alert, and even slight smells become a tsunami of unbearable odor.

It’s like….it’s like an incredibly crappy superpower. Can’t identify that scent in your fridge? BAM. I’M THERE. Need somebody to okay your garish perfume? POW. GOTCHA COVERED. I could get a cape and join the police force or something.

A cape and tights.

Every reasonable superhero has tights. Even the male Wonder Twin had tights, and if I am anything, I am cooler than Zan from planet Exxor. So if I were a superhero (or, you know, a twenty-one year old cartoon junkie and soon-to-be college graduate) these are the sorts of tights I would wear to bust heads and save orphans.

We Love Colors - $9.25

We Love Colors - $12.00

We Love Colors - $15.00

We Love Colors - $15.00

Forever 21 - $7.80

Forever 21 - $7.80

Forever 21 - $7.80

Forever 21 - $7.80

Tights Online - $6.99

Tights Online - $6.99

Forever 21 - $5.80

Forever 21 - $5.80

Those last ones aren’t technically tights, but they are adorable, and I would still fight crime in them. Although the idea of stopping robbers with bows on my knees does make me cringe, but possibly it would just add a layer of insult to the lawbreaker? “Dude, I don’t even know what HAPPENED! We were in the getaway car and then all of a sudden it was just brown satin and then my nose was broken. Every time I see bows now I pee a little out of reflex.”

Yeah. That’s my great ambition.

For my great love of tights, I should note that I only own a few pair, and I rarely wear them. I love them in theory, but wearing tights requires not wearing jeans, and that is a sacrifice that I am rarely prepared to make, partially because wearing tights makes people look at you. One of my goals upon graduating college is to grow a pair and start dressing like a woman. Somehow, making a fashion statement is more terrifying than any bank heist.

Oog. My brain dwarf is getting restless. I am going to go take a preemptive pill.


Posted by on March 15, 2009 in Life


Tags: , , ,

8 responses to “my name would be ‘the epic schnoz’

  1. Brittney

    March 15, 2009 at 4:45 pm

    Oooh sexy tights! I especially love the pair from tightsonline. Hot hot fishnets, go!

    Speaking of which, I’m supposed to buy a pair of garters! Whee.

    It’s hard to wear tights, even as someone who adores wearing dresses, will say that. My problem is shoes. I can commit to wearing a skirt all day, but those shoes? Will last five minutes. Jeans it is! URGHGHGGHG.

    • saturdayjane

      March 15, 2009 at 7:23 pm

      You’re supposed to buy garters? Is this a school requirement or something? šŸ˜‰

      It IS hard to wear tights. I think I prefer it to bare legs, though.

  2. Laura

    March 15, 2009 at 6:53 pm

    The fishnets are pretty awesome, but I would guess you have to be 6’5″ to pull them off. Those glittery tights are INTENSE, and I wonder if they’re scratchy. There was a time a couple years ago when glittery tights were “in” and I think it lasted about two weeks.

    • saturdayjane

      March 15, 2009 at 7:18 pm

      I never knew glittery tights were in. I just assumed they were always one of those items that were cool ‘if you could pull them off’, which few people can. Doesn’t stop me from wanting them, though. šŸ˜‰

  3. Lesley Denford

    March 15, 2009 at 8:42 pm

    Your brain dwarf made me laugh! Thanks for the giggle. Hope you feel better by now! šŸ™‚

    • saturdayjane

      March 16, 2009 at 12:23 am

      Hehe, thank you! I’m glad I made you smile! I do feel much better, thanks. It’s amazing how night and day it is when a migraine goes away! I feel like I could win the Olympics at this point. šŸ™‚

  4. amanda

    March 16, 2009 at 1:53 am

    Oh my word, that last pair of over-the-knee socks (is that an apt desciption? I have no idea) are too damn cute. I think they’d be perfect for crime-fighting. You know how men are afraid to be bested by women? Like “you got beat up by a GIRL!” nonsense? Wearing such awesome tights/socks would just rub it in, like you said.

    Oddly, I have a really strong sense of smell. Your nose goes into overdrive when you have a migraine; my olfactory sense is in permanent overdrive.

    • saturdayjane

      March 16, 2009 at 2:18 am

      Oh, dear, you get that amount of smell all the time? I feel for you! It’s almost intolerable when I have a migraine. Makes me want to get noseplugs. I can’t imagine having to deal with it constantly, though! I’m pretty sure I’d go completely and utterly insane.


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