and what do YOU think?

Happy Thanksgiving, world!

Are you a resident of the United States reading this on Turkey Day?

Shame on you!  Get off the internet and go call somebody you like.  Your mother, maybe, or that friend that you still owe a coffee to.  Pet your cat.  Visit your neighbor.  Thanksgiving may not have the most romantic roots, but it is a good excuse to appreciate what is around you.

Okay, that being said, you guys, I had a super fun time writing about ladies in cartoons, but I had even more fun listening to what you had to say about it.  Jake brought the excellent example of Olive Oyl.  CK brought up Animaniacs’ Dot.  Michael brought up Avatar’s Suki.  Laura mentioned the ever-famous April O’Neil, which warmed the cockles of my nerdy, nerdy heart.

So, Internet, what do you have to say about this?  Did I leave out any great cartoon characters, or any awful ones?  I was focusing on animated ladies on television, but maybe there is some stellar example in film.  Maybe there is some dude that I shafted (huh huh huh) when making these lists, and you want to be sure he gets represented.

So tell me!  Who do you like?  Who do you hate?

And why, friends, why?

I am pretty pumped up to see what you say.

Top Seven Most Deliciously Amazing Lady Cartoons Ever

I’m glad some people got a kick out of last week’s list of Top Seven Worst Cartoon Ladies, because now it’s time for the sequel.

A solid female character in animation is hard to find.  If you are able to extract their likes and dislikes from their gender (they like shopping BECAUSE THEY’RE GIRLS!  They hate getting messy BECAUSE THEY’RE GIRLS!) you’re still stuck with having to make them look ‘cute’ or ’sexy’, and have a role beyond Love Interest or Nagging Psychobitch.  These seven characters all have a degree of depth and thoughtfulness in their creation.  Their qualities came first, and their gender second.

Let’s get rolling, shall we?

7.  Dora The Explorer:  Love or hate Dora, you have to admit that she is a pretty stellar example for young girls.  She’s bright, she’s friendly, she’s willing to scrape her knees and get dirty, and she sticks to her guns in the face of adversity.  And by adversity I mean cunning foxes who steal her monkey’s sandwiches, or whatever.  I put Dora at seventh on this list because her redesign to appeal to an ‘older’ crowd makes me cry tears of rage.  She went from clever adventurer to mall-haunting pre-teen overnight.  Oh, Dora of yore!  How I miss thee!

Dora, before and after. Now she solves mysteries, like Which Boy Is The Cutest Boy?

6.  Gretchen and Spinelli from Recess:  Recess is a show that centers around schoolyard stereotypes.  In the main cast, we have the Fat Sensitive Kid, the Mischievous Kid, the Smart Kid, the Tough Kid, the Sporty Kid, and the Awkward Wimpy Kid Who Is Only Occasionally Useful.  The charm of a show like Recess is that the kids realize their labels, and regard them with a resigned sort of malice.  I’ve picked Gretchen and Spinelli out here because really, out of those main cast members I’ve mentioned, which are the girls?  Guesses?  Guesses?  Gretchen and Spinelli were created as schoolyard archetypes, not as schoolgirl archetypes, and that I can appreciate.

It's a veritable Who's Who of unfair labeling!

5.  Kim Possible:  Much like an aged version of a Powerpuff Girl, Kim Possible saves the world before curfew, trying to do her homework and get a date along the way.  Kim is in every way a girl’s girl.  She idolizes a clothing chain.  She gets embarrassed in front of boys.  She hates her little brothers and uses the Puppydog Pout to get something she wants.  The reason I’m including her on this list is that Kim likes what she likes…because she likes it.  Too often animators will create a character that is supposed to exemplify a Successful Modern Woman.  She’s smart!  She’s capable!  She owns her feminity, and yet, she is completely defined by societal expectations and all of the males around her.  Kim defines herself, and while she has the normal teenage tendency to worry about what other’s think of her, it doesn’t shape her life.

You guys, this plays on the Disney channel at 10:30 PST. Why haven't you watched this, you guys?

4.  Gadget from Rescue Rangers:  Some…times!  Some…crimes!  Go slipping through the cracks, but these…two!  Gum…shoes!  Are picking up the slack, there’s no case too big, no case too small!  If you need help just call…Gadget, apparently.  Rescue Rangers centers around some rodents who solve mysteries.  It’s pretty simple.  The titular characters receive most of the credit, serious Chip and goofy Dale, but every kid who watches that show knows that Gadget is the real hero.  It’s always Gadget who makes the machines that get them out of trouble, Gadget who sees through the scam, Gadget who crafts the master plan to solve the crime.  And you know what’s appealing about Gadget?  They don’t try to hide her brilliance behind a (heh heh) mousey facade.  She is just a genius.  No glasses.  No gimmick.  No social awkwardness.  All of the things that are typically associated with the smart girl are conspicuously absent, and they let her play the hero just as much as the boys do, even if the show is named after them.  It’s a nice change of pace.

Aaugh, Gadget. Why does Google have so many fanarts of you having sex with power tools??

3.  Gosalyn from Darkwing Duck:  Gosalyn, put simply, is a kid.  She’s not a smart kid, or a dumb kid, or an athletic kid, or a sensitive kid, or a tough kid, or a wimpy kid.  She’s just a kid who lives with her dad, who happens to be a Bruce Wayne-esque fly-by-night  crimefighter.  Sometimes she worries about him, sometimes she wants to join in on the fun, but at the end of the day, she’s just…well.  She’s a kid.  The simplicity of her character without relying on overused tropes is what gets Gosalyn on my list.  It’s not easy to craft a character that doesn’t rely on a stereotype that we are already familiar with, while still making her appealing and instantly familiar.  She could ride in my sidecar anyday.

Why is it always ducks? What does Disney have with ducks? People don't even like ducks that much.

2.  Azula from Avatar: The Last Airbender:  I could take almost anyone from Avatar and point to them as a model for outstanding character development, but Azula is here for a very specific reason: she is a crazy bitch.  She is a crazy bitch with fire powers and mommy issues, and she will eff you up the a, if you so much as look at her funny when she’s got her crazy hat on.  I’m a big fan of villains.  It’s tough to make a villain who doesn’t seem like a moustache-twirling Dick Dastardly or a hulking inferno of unspecified fury.  Villains need motivations too, you guys!  Something has to make them interesting, and worth our time.  With lady villains, it is almost always sexuality.  She’s evil!  What else is evil?  Uhh, sex?  Yeah.  Sex is evil.  So let’s make her very sexy and she can even make untoward advances at the disinterested protagonist!  Sounds like a plan.  Gladly, Azula doesn’t rely on these things to make her a stellar baddie.  From the start of the series, her intentions are clear.  She’s not evil, necessarily.  She just went round the bend several years ago, and never came back.  Good for her.

She will grind your bones up and wear the powder on her face like a fine foundation. AWESOME.

1.  My number one choice for awesome lady cartoon comes from a classic conundrum: how to make girls funny.  Sometimes they just aren’t, and that’s okay.  The same things that are hilarious coming from a man may not induce the same belly-laughs from a chick.  Some female comedians have resorted to giving up their girliness to get a more masculine sense of humor, but I don’t think that’s necessary.  A gal can be funny in a skirt.  A purple skirt.  With a yellow sweater, and bows on her ears:

I think I still have a sweater like that.

Babs Bunny was created as one of the two main characters of the Warner Brothers’ hit, Tiny Toons.  The animators noticed a significant underrepresentation of ladies in the original Looney Tunes, and so when its ’sequel’ began, they decide to split the character of Bugs Bunny into two halves.  The male half, Buster Bunny, contains all of Bugs’ sly charisma and mischievous smooth-talking mannerisms.  The female half, Babs, got all the screwball humor, and I couldn’t be happier about that.  Babs is a tornado of comedy, constantly lampooning the other characters in the show, doing spot-on impressions of pop-culture icons, or just inserting a quick, 1930’s era one-liner into the mix.  Unlike her counterpart, the loathable Lola Bunny, Babs can go toe to toe with her male companions and come out with the top joke.  She’s zany, over-the-top, and endlessly appealing.

All while wearing a skirt.  Who’d-a thunk it?

dot dot dot

This weekend was wild, my friends.

It involved a long drive, nearly hitting a dog on the freeway, good friends, and a drinking game to the GI Joe movie. Your Top Seven Cartoon Women post is forthcoming. Look for it sometime Monday!

Also, are you following me on Twitter? If you are, you’ll know right when I update! Cool, eh?

top seven worst cartoon ladies EVER in HISTORY

Taylor has put up with my feminist outrage for a long time.  When we sit down to watch a television show at the end of a hard day, it’s almost tradition for me to see an ad and blurt something like, “Come on!  By using a woman they are insinuating that women are the only ones who are incapable of taking care of themselves without additional security!”  And Taylor raises his eyebrows a little bit and agrees with me when I press him about it.

I can be a little out of control, it’s true.

My feminist rage is at its strongest when watching cartoons.  It’s a fact: most all of the coolest cartoon characters are men.  The boys are allowed to have complex motivations and badass fight scenes.  They typically get the best jokes and tend to be the main characters.  The women’s motivations tend to be “SHE IS A LADY.  THAT IS WHAT LADIES DO,” and their jokes are limited to nagging  and histrionics.

It’s true that some characters are worse than others, though.  For your pleasure (and to give Taylor’s ears a break) here are the Seven Worst Female Cartoon Characters, rated in order of how much they conform to an unhealthy and unnecessary stereotype.  You may note that I’ve left out the classics – Betty Boop, Disney Princesses…I feel like these characters, sexist though they are, are the product of their times.  But now we have decided we are progressive!  Our entertainment features women who can rassle!  Women who know math!  So our modern cartoons are devoid of girls who rely on sexuality or bitterness, right?

Ha.

Are you ready to get your Righteous Indignation on?

7.  Candace from Phineas and Ferb:  I like Phineas and Ferb.  The show centers around two young boys who live each day of their summer vacation to the fullest, often concocting wild and impressive schemes to get what they want.  They are good natured and fun loving.  Their older sister, Candace, is not.  Candace likes boys and makeup and being a star, and hates fun and things that are messy.  She often plays the role of the villain in the cartoon, but her motivations are completely transparent.  It’s as though the creators decided she was A Big Sister and left it at that.  Boo, Candace.  Booo.

She is the very spirit of fun and mischief!

6.  Roxanne from A Goofy Movie:  What do we know about Roxanne from A Goofy Movie?  The main  character, Max, loves her and wants to impress her.  Why?  Because she’s hot, of course!  And she like…uh.  I guess we don’t really know what she likes.  But she’s very….oh.  I guess we don’t really know her personal qualities either.  Well, we KNOW her name is Roxanne, and that she is HOT!  And that’s enough for her to be a truly compelling character, right?  Right?  You guys?

She has a sparkling uh...personality?

5.  Amy Rose from Sonic The Hedgehog:  When you have a cartoon and video game franchise centered around a blue hedgehog, the natural choice for his counterpart is a pink hedgehog.  It is the law of the wild.  Amy Rose exists to chase Sonic with large hearts in her eyes, wielding a hammer that she uses to stun him into submission.  When she isn’t chasing him, she is nagging him to ‘be more sensitive’ or ’slow down and do things with her’.  Flash forward twenty years and he will be an overweight husband in a dead-end job, and she will be a hot wife that only wants him to do the dishes, and harps on him to eat a salad now and again.  Stay in school, girls!

Don't showcha your chocha, Amy!

4.  Jean Grey from X-Men Evolution:  Okay.  I’m going to catch a lot of flak for this one, because lots of people like Jean Grey, but her X-Men Evolution iteration is…maybe a little less than impressive.  In this era, Jean is a high school student.  She is gorgeous, limber, the most popular girl in school, gets straight A’s, and has fantastic telekinetic and telepathic powers to boot!  All this besides the undying love of most of the male characters.  So, here’s what I don’t like about Jean: she is entirely focused on what others think of her.  From the outside, this sounds like a solid motivation for a character, but Jean, in the true tradition of dim female characters, relies entirely on the males around her to define herself.  Is she dating the football jock or sensitive Scott Summers?  Is she being kidnapped by Magneto, or are her Phoenix powers being squelched by ultra powerful psychic Charles Xavier?  Jean is a grievous cartoon stereotype offender because she purports to be a Modern Woman – smart and powerful, but ultimately she relies on the men in her life to boost her esteem and supply her opinion.

Don't be afraid, Jean! Somewhere out there...somewhere, there is a shirt that will cover your midriff.

3.  Raven from Teen Titans:  In the bold tradition of Jean Grey, Raven is a heroine who seems quite heroic until you take into account who pulls her strings.  She is the daughter of vicious demon Trigon, which has imbued her with impressive magic.  The magic controls her more than she controls it, and when Trigon comes to earth, he promptly subjugates her to his whim.  A great story would be if Raven found her courage and her strength and rose up to slay her father, freeing herself and gaining control over her power.  Buuuuut Robin the Boy Wonder does it for her, and she is so pleased to be saved it establishes her trust in humanity.  Yay, Robin!  You’ve finally showed us all that we don’t need to save ourselves, as long as we can go from one male protector to another.  Did I mention she does all this in a tight-fitting legless leotard?

Dig the belt, Raven! But I think you...did you forget to put something on this morning? Starts with a P? Ends with an 'Ants'?

2.  Tuxedo Mask from Sailor Moon – Oookay.  I know Tuxedo Mask is a dude.  I’ve been focusing mostly on horrible female stereotypes, but male stereotypes exist as well.  Tuxedo Mask is the Edward of Sailor Moon.  He is a preteen girl’s ultimate fantasy.  That bratty guy at school that causes her so much grief secretly loves her for no apparent reason!  And what’s more than that, he is secretly a super hero!  He always shows up at the right moment to save her from evil amid a show of bubbles and delicate rose petals.  What does he like?  What are his hopes and dreams?  What are his fears?  It’s a mystery.  After all, Tuxedo Mask doesn’t need to be a real person, as long as he loves me.  Sob sob sob.

Ohh, Tuxedo Mask! Let me stare into your eyes for another four hours!

1.  I have reserved the number one spot for a cartoon creation that truly kindles the flames of my red-hot ire.  I speak, of course, of The Ruiner.  The Great Hair-Flipper, the Bunny-Smoocher, whose vapid stare and saxophone-stoked entry music sends me into paroxysms of rage.

I speak, of course, of Lola Bunny.

You guys remember the movie Space Jam.  Aliens try to take over the Looney Tunes, and they challenge them to a basketball game.  To tip their hand, the Tunes snag Michael Jordan.  Hilarity ensues.  When it turns out they don’t know how to play basketball at all, Michael Jordan says, in desperation, “Hasn’t anybody here ever played basketball?”

You guys.

Lola Bunny has:

I feel like that is all I really need to say about Lola Bunny.

Tune in next Monday when I post my picks for Top Seven Awesomest Cartoon Ladies!

the lighthouse keeper

You guys want to see something awesome?

THIS is why I dig animation.  It’s beautiful.  It’s original.  It’s a bit on the weird side.  It conveys a mood and tells a story more succinctly than live action film can.  In live action, the Lighthouse Keeper would not have been as thick, as hunched.  We wouldn’t be able to feel as tangibly the heaviness of his cloak or the weight of his movements.  A live action telling of the same story would have been confined to physical realities and traditional interpretations of height and depth.

Animation is to live action film what poetry is to prose, and while some people aren’t partial to poetry, they can appreciate its character and complexity.

Plus, you guys, did you see the size of that firefly?  That shit was WACK.

the underduck

I have very fond memories of the Looney Toons.  Ben and I used to watch the two hour chunk on Sunday mornings, comparing the quality of the Toons’ jokes to those of the other shows for kids, touting the writing in the 1940’s like a couple of bitter seventy year olds.

Our favorites were Wile E. Coyote (Predatorius-Craftilus) and the Road Runner (Delicius-Delicius).  We would talk about the genius of using umbrella corporation ACME as commentary on consumerism, then burst into noisy laughter (commentary forgotten) as poor Wile E.’s rocket scooter stopped just short of the other end of the cliff and he plummets into the canyon.  “How about ending this cartoon before I hit?” he asks sadly, via a sign with writing on it.  The cartoon-makers oblige, and the screen begins to fade to black.

I could say a lot about Looney Toons, and I probably will at some point.  The way it treats life and death as absolutes to be casually accepted, the way that the conflicts stem from basic instincts (the desire to eat, to hunt, to survive), the way that women are only present as nagging wives, tired or overindulgent mothers, or sexual objects, but you know what?  I just watched like three cartoons starring Daffy Duck, and I really just want to talk about how totally awesome Daffy Duck is.

Daffy was originally created as a screwball protagonist, screwball meaning completely uninhibited and nonsensical.  This is the era where he coined his typical, “WOO-HOO!  WOO-HOO!  WOO-HOO!” while jumping madly around a confused foe.  As time went on, though, the creators blessed Daffy with a little more savvy.  His zaniness was replaced with a quick-talking irritability and sense of entitlement, and eventually he hit on his famous catchphrase, “Yoooou’re despicable!”

Now, the thing about Daffy is that he is never quite good enough.  He is always one step behind his self-imposed rival, Bugs, and can never really seem to come out on top.  He constantly senses that he is being somehow jilted, and it’s true, but this never stops him from trying.  Daffy is always trying to get ahead, and in his fervor to be important, he often steps on the straight man.

I don’t know about you, but I can never help but love the underdog.  Or, uh, underduck, as it were.  Daffy just wants to win, just once, and he never seems to, so he loses his temper and gets frustrated and vitriolic and spouts the fowl language he’s famous for.

See what I did there?

A character who always wins is far less interesting than a character who never does, and I feel I have far more in common with poor Daffy than slick Bugs.

What do you think?  Do you have a favorite Looney Toon?  And if you say Tweetie Bird so help me god I will find where you live and slap you in the mouth.  I have had enough cutesy imitations of ‘I tawt I taw a puddy tat!’ to last me several lifetimes.

the death star of baggery

You guys.

You guys,  I do not know very much about fashion.  I have declined to call myself a fashion blogger for this very reason, and while I prefer to wear pants that fit and colors that don’t make me look like a ghost in a Japanese horror flick, I don’t, on the whole, make very healthy fashion choices.

Still, my friends.  Still, I realize that this is an atrocity:

 

I saw this and felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of colors suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced.

 

the great paperclip debacle

I have a little gap between my two front teeth.

It isn’t really noticeable, except when I get something caught in it, but it is big enough that I can run an unbent paperclip through it.  Which I do.  A lot.  More than I should.

It’s a bad habit I’ve picked up at work, while I stare at the computer screen and try to divine which groups I should put my newest e-mail contacts into.  I bend out the end of the paper clip, stick it between my teeth, and run it in and out, sometimes looping it around the curved end so the paperclip is stuck there like an earring.  I rarely realize I’m doing it, until I hear footsteps coming down the hallway and it hits me  that I’d rather my coworkers don’t see that I’ve got an unsanitary chunk of office metal in my mouth.

Sometimes I don’t notice those footsteps until it is too late.

Late last week I stared at the computer screen, analyzing an entry in a real estate database for errors, while I looped the paperclip through my teeth as per the usual.  In.  Out.  In.  Out.  In.  Around.  Around.  Out.  In.  Somebody had spelled ‘garage’ without the requisite ‘e’.  Garag.  Sounds like a Star Wars monster.  Garaaaaag.  In.  Out.  In.  Also, this house has five bedrooms, not four.  Or am I wrong?  I should check the listing.  Out.  In.

“Jessica, hey, how are you doing?  Staying healthy?”

And that’s when I swallowed my tongue and died.

Having gotten so engrossed in my work, I had failed to notice the sweetly pretty Escrow officer who sometimes passes through our office.  When I first started working here and began e-mailing her for paperwork, I noticed a kindred soul in that she loved to add an extra smiley face or touch of cheerfulness and individuality to her letters.  I was always tickled to see her, and my mouth began to grin almost before an alarm went off in my brain.

“PAPERCLIP IN YOUR TEETH THERE IS A PAPERCLIP STUCK IN YOUR TEETH.”

Well.  That could be embarrassing.

Quickly, I slid my right hand over my mouth and clenched my lips shut.  I could feel the paperclip against my tongue.  It was cold, and shameful.

“Heey, Lifa,” I gurgled, my fingers pressed over my face.  “Whaff up?”

She gave me a long look.

“I heard you had the big flu going around your office,” she said congenially.  “I was hoping you hadn’t caught it!”

“Nofe, nau yeb.  I’b luggy.” I began working the paperclip with my tongue.  If I could unwedge it then I could hide it in my cheek and have a moderately normal conversation.  “I’b, uh…I hearg you gog id, dough!”

“I did, yeah.  It was terrible!  I can usually kick a flu in about a day, but this hung around a bit longer.  I just loaded up on Echinacea, garlic, vitamin C…all the good stuff.  It helped a lot!”

“Haha, yeahhhhh.” I almost had it.  Lisa seemed to be waiting for me to say something else, but I didn’t feel comfortable saying anything else with the precarious clip woggling around in my mouth.  Maybe she could see my jaw pulsating.  We didn’t talk too frequently in person.  We would probably talk less frequently after this.

Suddenly, the paperclip came loose! Victory!  I lowered my hand to the desk and began pushing the paperclip into my cheek with my tongue.  Lisa started talking about the best herbs for the flu.  Okay.  Keep nodding.

SPLORK.

In agonizing slow-motion, the paperclip went renegade.  It popped out of my mouth and plinked wetly onto my desk.

Lisa looked at me.

I looked at Lisa.

“Oh…my God,” she said slowly.  “I do that…ALL THE TIME.”

I looked up at her, with a glimmer of hope and camaraderie in my heart.  I bet this is what getting asked to dance feels like.

“Seriously,” she said.  “The worst is when it gets stuck, like, between your teeth?  I was talking to – “

An agent from across the hall hailed her and she turned, giving me a final eager wave as she scurried out to chat.  I gaped after her.

I apparently have my own personal Patron Saint of Awkward Situations, who takes pity on me.

Turning back to my work, I picked up the paper clip and began running it through my teeth again.  In.  Out.  In.  Out.

Around.

In. Out.

WHOA HEY this is A GIVEAWAY!

HOLY MOLY, folks!

I’ve been doing Saturday Jane since February or so.  It’s had its ups and downs, its periods of daily posting and its stretches of silence, but through it all, I have been amazed by the kindness of my readers.

Seriously, ya’ll.  I’m pretty sure the Blogosphere is the best non-physical place in the world.  The people are bright, sincere, and sweet, and always have a pleasant word for somebody else.

Those pleasant words mean the world to me, and so I am constantly checking my comments.  The other day, I noticed that my Comment-Meter was reaching a rather imperious number.

I’ll say it in capslock, so that you can imagine a booming Zeus-like voice accompanying it.

*ahem*

ONE THOUSAND COMMENTS.

ONE.  THOOOOOUUUUUSAND COMMENTS.

I am within one hundred comments of reaching that milestone, and I thought, what the hey, LET’S HAVE A GIVEAWAY!

Here are the rules: whoever posts the 1000th comment on Saturday Jane wins a fabulous prize.  Doesn’t matter what post it’s on, as long as the comment is actual content.  None of this ‘first!’ or ‘haha’ or ‘great’ business!  Those will not be counted, because I am a miserly soul who is out to ruin everybody’s fun.

Now on to the fabulous prize!

This is the charming and oh so chic Dancing Jewel necklace from the ever impressive Modcloth. Pair it with a casual dress and flats for a ’sweetheart’ vibe or put it on with a low-cut formal top for a touch of pearly elegance!

Just to make sure that everybody has something they want to comment on, I’ll be posting extra this weekend.  Look forward to new Saturday Jane content on Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday!

So there we go!  Help me spread the word!  Saturday Jane is turning one thousand comments old, and if you hit the magic number, you get some sweet Modcloth swag!

ode to a moste detestable foe

Hi, all!

A solid post will be coming later tonight, possibly with the help of Laura from Ruby Bastille. In the mean time, here is a poem composed about the Coverbind machine in our office.

WHERE MY SECRETARIES AT.

Ode To A Moste Detestable Foe

Coverbind Machine, O Coverbind Machine,

Your cruel and cold mechanical gleam

Makes my insides twist and scream!

How I hate you, Coverbind Machine.

To dispel my deep and driving ire,

I’d ask you kindly to retire

Then to build a funeral pyre

And please to go die in a fire.

They tell me that you bind reports

If I may offer my retort

If you do what you purport

Then pigs can fly and I’m not short.

All you do is chew up pages!

Mucking up my tasks in stages!

Like a foe, your work engages

All my deepest wildest rages.

Coverbind, I hate your face.

My hatred transcends time and place.

Watch your back, sir, just in case.

Say, have you seen Office Space?